The Miller Report

A Magical Week

2012-02-06T07:17:00.001-08:00

OMG!!! Did you see that comeback? I've never seen anything like it. I mean, there was some bullsnot calls. I think the refs just wanted to appease the fans who traveled so far to see their boys do work and try to cement themselves at the top of the football world. In the end, the real winners were the fans. A game like that will stay in our minds for a very, very long time.

I mean, when Chelsea went up 3-0 early in the second half, I thought Manchester United had just took a giant dump on their title chances. But after to horrendous calls gave Wayne Rooney two easy PK goals, and an amazing cross from Giggs to Chicharito, it was knotted up 3-3 and would end that way. ManU stays in second within striking distance of crosstown rivals, Man City. Woo what a game!

Oh, wait, what? You meant the American football game. Yeah that didn't suck either. We all saw the game. Brady's safety, Manningham's catch, Welker's not catch, Bradshaw accidentally scoring a TD with a minute to go, Tuck getting to Brady, and that Hail Mary. Oi. Great game. But if you want some analysis on the actual football competition go watch ESPN for like 15 seconds. You'll get highlights.

I'm here to write a little bit about the Super Bowl being in Indianapolis. I decided to take a 5 day, 4 night vacation to my glorious hometown to experience what was to experience (once again, I had to foot my own bill). And OH MY GOD WAS IT AMAZING!!!!! You should have heard how hard I pounded the keys for that sentence. I can not think of anything that could have been better.

First and foremost, the weather. This is the first week of February in Indianapolis. This week last year, I built a 20 foot snow ramp with my roommates. This year I got to wear shorts and t-shirt all week. Maybe the weather got into people's heads, but everyone in this city was in a good mood 24/7. People always say that the people in Indiana are friendly, but this week was amazing. So many people praised our city for being the most hospitable host town they can remember. I can't imagine that any city has ever been more excited to host the big game. I mean, we realllly needed something good after the Colts' season.

I was downtown Thursday, Friday, and Saturday nights. It was better than Mardi Gras. It was better than Las Vegas. It was better than Crawfordsville. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever laid eyes on. The Super Bowl village was a ginormous party. Showing some great foresight, the folks in charge of laws n whatnot decided to get rid of the open container laws for the week. We can drink in the street! Party!! The only people that got hurt by the weather and new rules were the bar owners. People didn't have any reason to go inside.

Super Bowl Village was just that-- a legit village. Unlike other hosts, Indy had everything close together. Lucas Oil, the convention center, all the bars, and Circle Center Mall, all can be accessed from the same streets. That meant that Umphrees McGee could play their show on one stage, and the crowd literally had to turn around to see the O.A.R. stage. Who would have thought that LMFAO would have the biggest show of the week? There were so many people there that people could only move a few feet in an hour. BUT IT WAS STILL AWESOME!

I can't tell you how many people have stories about Tim Tebow buying them a drink. Or Bradley Cooper hanging out with them at a party. Seeing Matthew Stafford in the streets. And Ryan Gosling. My girlfriend loves him, and he decided to be the most accessible celeb in town. I saw him, and took her the other way. I don't like competition.

I'm running out of time, and stories that are allowed to be publicized, so I'll wrap it up. This weekend was the best time of my life. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I think I made the most of it. I stayed out of jail, I made friends with real life Jersey guidos, and I got to taunt cops with alcohol in the streets. Life was good this week. Back to the grind. And snow.

Thoughts on the Super Bowl

2012-01-31T10:10:00.000-08:00

I'm currently sitting in a riveting class about Presidential Rhetoric "learning" about something. It's probably important. Professor's looking at me and I'm typin like a mad man. She's thinking, "That Miller guy takes some furious notes, good thing he's not writing some blog." Heh, jokes on you, lady.

I've never blogged in class before. But hey, at some point a few years ago I'd never blogged in North America, so there's a first time for everything. I'm five lines deep in this post and I've yet to mention sports. That's probably because I started this article without a topic in mind. I'm just stalling.

I guess the biggest thing going on in the sports world this week is that football game in my hometown, the Nasty Nap, the Circle City, the home of Mike Epps, THE Indianapolis, Indiana. Yes, just a few short miles from my humble abode will be Super Bowl XLVI. I believe that "ecks ell vee eye" is Roman for 46. This is the biggest thing to happen in Indy since Justin Bieber brought Drake out on stage during his show. I mean, the cover charges in the bars downtown jumped from $4 to $80-$120. Guess who's got two thumbs and is gonna drink at home? This guy. Surprisingly, I don't make much money from my writing career, and the NFL forgot to send me my press pass and party vouchers. Not to mention my invites to the Playboy and Maxim parties got sent to the wrong address (I moved over Thanksgiving). I guess all I get to do is get free tee shirts and watch the game on television.

Anyway, I suppose I should talk about the game a little bit. We've got the New York Giants vs the New England Patriots. I don't know if you know, but I hate the Pats with every fiber of my being. I genuinely wish Tom Brady was paralyzed in a tragic fan boat accident. Bill Belichick is a cheating piece of trash that drowns puppies in his free time. Needless to say, when Billy Cundiff shanked that gimme field goal in Foxborough, thus sending the Pats to my hometown, I was furious. I don't know if I could ever bear the sight of Tom Brady hoisting the Lombardi Trophy in Indianapolis. Let's just say tears will be shed if the Patriots win. Might be mine, might be Brady's.

Since I hate the Patriots, and the Giants are quarterbacked by Eli Manning, you'd think I'd be cheering full force the G-Men. Nope. Not I. I love Peyton Manning as much as I love an ice cold Newcastle (that's a lot), so you'd think I'd want his lil bro to win another Super Bowl over the team I hate most. This would be the case, but I don't want to listen to every expert on the television say that Eli is the best Manning. I can just hear the debate in 5 years. "You know, Boomer, Peyton may have finished with 5 MVP's and every career passing record there is, but Eli won two championships. You play to win the big one." It makes me physically ill just thinking about it.

I suppose in the end, I'd prefer to see the Giants win. Tom Coughlin would become the oldest coach to win the big one. Mathias Kiwanuka went to high school in Indy, and starts at linebacker for New York, so there's someone to cheer for. While I want both teams to lose, it should be a great game. It's gonna be a shoot out, which makes for exciting football. Tom finished the season with the third best quarterback rating, while Eli finished seventh. The Patriots had the 31st ranked passing defense (out of 32) and the Giants were slightly better at 29th. I'm thinking both Qbs go for 350+ yards and a couple TDs. Victor Cruz was the MVP of the Designated Drinkers-- my 8th place fantasy football team. I'd enjoy seeing him have a great game.

This year will be a great game for football fans everywhere. I would have liked to see almost any other matchup, but I'm a selfish dickhead. Indianapolis is going to get some amazing publicity, not to mention a bit of an economy boost, and I can be down with that. I've always been a huge Madonna fan, so the halftime show should be pretty stellar. That was sarcasm. We're only 5 days from new commercials, good football, and hopefully Tom Brady crying. Get excited people.

Makin Crap Up

2012-01-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

Holey canole (see what I did there?) it's been a really long time since I posted on this here blog. After a 373 day hiatus, I'm back to spit sports knowledge at you like it's my job. A lot of awesomely amazing stuff has happened in the sporting world in the last year. Can you imagine how awesomely amazinger it would have been if I got off my lazy ass and wrote about it? Yeah, I let you, the loyal reader (I know I don't have loyal readers, let me pretend) down in 2011, but I can win you back. I promise to deliver at least twice as many posts in 2012. Uhh, when I started the previous sentence, I was under the impression that I only wrote once in 2011. I did 3 whole post thingys last year. Looks like I just promised 6 posts. That's quite a commitment. Welp, let's get started.

All of the guys in my circle of friends are pretty knowledgeable about sports. We can sit down to watch a game and, for the most part, anything said is a tidbit of knowledge that enhances the game. Yet, somehow I've managed to convince my friends that I know just about everything about sports. When someone doesn't know a stat, or a player's college, or how many kids the backup running back has, they come to me. Usually, I just lay some knowledge on them, and they take my answer as fact. I enjoy the fact that my friends have such faith in me, but I think it's time I started giving some bullshit information. Not very often, but enough to keep em honest. I mean, I have a blog. They don't just hand these things out.

I'm typically an honest person. I'm an awful lot like Abe Lincoln in that respect. That is not to say I'm perfect. I lie to girls on occasion. Usually it's about how interested I am in the drama of her life. Now and then I'll claim to be a professional athlete. Somehow that one's never worked. I don't start a conversation with a woman thinking about telling a lie, but sometimes they're just asking for it. This conversation happened in a bar two weeks ago:

Woman Person: OMG, LOL!! Totes obvi!

Me: Hey, I'm Miller.

WP: I have a really generic female name like Kate, or Sarah or something! I think it starts with an E actually!

Me: Right on, I'll forget in a couple weeks.

WP: You're so funny. And strong and handsome.

Me: Look, sports is on tv!

(Both look up to see Aaron Rodgers on SportsCenter)

WP: Aaron Rodgers is so cute. If I'd have known about him a long time ago, I'd have been a Packers fan for years.

Me: How have you not heard of Aaron Rodgers?

WP: I don't watch much football. What college did he go to?

(At this point I'm just gonna throw all caution to the wind)

Me: IU. Duh.

WP: OMG Me TOO!!! How old is he?

Me: 28ish. He's been starting for the Packers since Brett Favre died.

WP: Brett Favre died?

Me: Yeah. Like 8 years ago when the stadium in Minnesota collapsed in a snow storm.

WP: Ohh golly. I had no idea. You're so smart.

That's pretty much what happened. In the end, I totally got the girl... to ignore me. Oh well, win some lose some. This time, though, I consider a major win. But really, that chick liked him over me?

BCS Championship

2011-01-10T15:19:00.000-08:00

So, the game starts here in about.... an hour. This post is late. Get over it, you'll live. I'll keep it short, I just need to get my predictions out there so that when I'm 100% right, nobody can deny my genius. I'm well aware that this is also a way to prove to the world that I may not know what I'm talking about, but hey, that's what a delete button is for.

Tonight we've got the Mighty Ducks and the Cam Newton's. Pac 10 vs SEC. Speed vs uhh... Speed. Coming into the game Auburn is ranked #1 and Oregon is ranked #2. Upon a little bit of research, Auburn is favored by two. I don't know who makes these rankings, but I'd suspect a 12 year old. Obviously whoever comes up with the spread has a bedtime around 9 o'clock, because that would explain why they've never seen Oregon play on that there west coast. Check their schedule. They had one close game, against Cal, but also dropped 40+ in 10 out of 12 games. They start slowly, but typically pour it on in the 3rd quarter, and have never trailed in a 4th quarter this year.

Auburn is good too. But check their schedule. They won 6 of their 13 games by one score or less. Ummm, that aint what a championship team does. If you're not killin folks on the regular, I'm not impressed. I think they deserve to be in the game. They did go undefeated in the SEC, which is quite a feat. I'm just a little stunned at their #1 ranking and the fact that they're favored.

Obviously, I'm going with Nike University here. Their speed and depth are great. Their fashion is better. I think it'll be just like every game they've had this year. It'll be 17-17 at the half, but that Oregon will drop bombs in the 4th quarter, and will win 41-31. Count on it. Bet on it. Take the over if you're a gambler (the over/under is 72.) Trust me, I'm a writer.

Cheaters Never Win... Sometimes

2011-01-05T07:27:00.000-08:00

I have some tattoos and I plan on getting more. Getting inked is a little addicting, but is quite expensive. On my 3, I've dropped close to $100 a piece. That's a hefty fee. But despite my love for tattoos, I'd never, ever, trade sports awards for one. That's exactly what 5 Ohio State players did. Starting QB Terrelle Pryor, starting RB Dan Herron, starting WR DeVier Posey, All-Big Ten tackle Mike Adams, and DE Solomon Thomas all traded memorabilia for tats. They traded things such as their Fiesta bowl rings, and their commemorative gold Buckeye's pants for the ink. This is what we like to call "illegal."

But this is old news. The NCAA found out about these cheaters and dolled out 5 game suspensions to each one. Normally, this would be quite acceptable and we'd move on with our lives and go back to hearing Brett Favre stories. Only when you find out that they are suspended starting next year does it raise some eyelashes. If you're like me, and talk to yourself, you said, "But wait a minute, NCAA, they have another game this season! And it's kind of important. It's the Sugar Bowl." Nobody ever responds though....

But we press on. The NCAA claimed the 5 tatted up hooligans should be allowed to play because of two main reasons. Numero uno- they did not have sufficient education regarding the rules of the NCAA. Numero twono- the suspensions would give Arkansas a competitive advantage.

This is retarded. Firstly, everyone knows this is against the rules. I'm not a college athlete, but I woulda known that I can't sell shit that was free to me. Especially if it was given by the NCAA. I mean, is this not common knowledge? You can't let them play simply because nobody sat these guys down and said, "Here's your championship rings. Don't sell them. Tis illegal. Got it fellers?" And regarding the other reason- I'm glad the NCAA was honest on this one, but I disagree. Obviously the NCAA wants one of their 5 biggest games of the year to be a good one. Ohio State would have been beaten, badly, without those 5 players. And a beat down means people are tuning this game out because, really, who wants to watch a blowout past 11 pm. The game went to the wire, and it also went til about 12:30 am.

Now, the NCAA chose to allow these guys to play, and they gave us their reasons. That doesn't let OSU off the hook. The university could have suspended them, too. But what did coach Jim Tressel choose to do? He made them all promise not to go to the NFL this year if they wanted to come to the Sugar Bowl. A promise? By this crew? Don't hold your breath. We've seen it a billion times before- a good BCS performance can bump a guy up a whole round in the draft.

Welp, that's exactly what happened. Ohio State wound up winning a nail biter, 31-26, and each of the 5 suspended players had a pretty big impact. Pryor had 2 TD's passing, and had 100+ yards on the ground. Herron had about 85 yds and a TD. Posey led the team in rec yds and had a TD. OSU's offense racked up 446 total yards, thanks in large part to the O-line, bolstered by Adams. And while Thomas didn't start on the D-line (which was amazing, and was the reason OSU won) he still made the biggest play of the game. With a minute to go and trailing by 5, Arkansas did the unthinkable- they blocked a punt and recovered it on OSU's 15ish yard line. Holy canoly, Arkansas is gonna pull this out! Psych, Thomas subs in for a sneaky defensive package that OSU has only used in 2 games this year. He dropped into coverage and made the first interception of his football career (it's true, all the way back to middle school). I mean, wow. Those guys don't show up and I bet Arkansas wins 41-17, like most BCS games involving OSU and an SEC team.

Don't get me wrong, friends. I'm a Big Ten guy through and through. I wanted Ohio State to win this one. But I get a strange feeling in my belly about it. While everything that happened was within the rules, I can't help but think that somebody, somewhere could have done the right thing here.

Sports Bucket List

2011-01-02T07:48:00.000-08:00

Now, I've been quite fortunate in being able to attend some of the greatest sporting events in the world. I've been to MLB, NBA, and NFL games like its my job. I've been to great college rivalries. I've seen tennis superstars play in person. I've seen some of the biggest events in auto racing. My presence has been felt in the front row at a few USA Track & Field national championships (Great autograph opportunities there, might I say). Hell, I've even been to some damn good high school games, but there's so much more I want, no NEED, to see before I die.

Everyone has things they want to do before they kick the bucket. For some people it's skydiving, or sleeping with a model. For some people it's going to college, or writing a badass blog. Well, I've done all of that. Now I've gotta concentrate on getting some sporting goals accomplished.

Of course, there's some things that are a given. It's common knowledge that everyone wants to hit up a Super Bowl someday. And nobody would be crushed if they could see the Olympics or a World Cup some day. I've got some more personal goals. I'm not saying I won't ever go to those ginormous events, the Super Bowl is in Indianapolis soon, but there's some things that would be life changing events that some people don't know about. The tentative plan is to highlight 5 things the Miller is gonna do someday, but, hey, if I get on a roll, I won't stop myself.

Winter X-Games

One thing I love almost as much as anything considered a "sport" (except hockey) is a good party. Combine a bunch of athletes and pretty girls with snow sports, and I'm hooked. The Winter X-Games is an event that's always held in a winter wonderland, with amazing feats of athleticism during the day and ragin' parties at night. That's something I can get behind.

This is an event built for me, really. I like to think that when it comes to sports that involve the cold, wet stuff, I can appreciate them. It's no secret amongst folks that know me that I'm pretty freakin good on a pair of skis. One thing that makes this event a little bit harder to cross off the list is that it's kind of an age appropriate thing. I'm only gonna be in my 20's for so long. Nobody wants to be that old head trying to watch a half pipe competition, or trying to get into a club with all the young whipper snappers. If I wait too long, I might come to my senses and begin to think to myself, 'It's quite dangerous to go off 30 jumps and hang upside down.' Don't want my common sense messing this up for me. You know, this thing's comin up. Anyone got a place to stay in Aspen for Jan. 27-30?

LSU Night Game

First off, I'm not an LSU fan by any means, but who wouldn't want to experience this? Tiger Stadium is better know as "Death Valley" and probably for good reason. This thing holds 92,000 people and they know how to turn a game into an experience. In 1988, after a go ahead 4th quarter touchdown, the crowd's reaction actually registered on a seismograph. That means earthquake, my friend. The fans caused an earthquake. AN EARTHQUAKE FOR GOD'S SAKE! Who does that?

It's pretty easy to argue that the SEC has a pretty high level of football going on, so I know there'd be no letdown when it comes to a quality game. It's also not hard to find someone to argue that this is the hardest football stadium to play in for the visitors. Just ask... ANYONE WHO'S EVER PLAYED THERE!! Mike Huckabee, when governor of the crappy state of Arkansas, once said, "Unfair is playing LSU on a Saturday night in Baton Rouge." No, Mike, unfair is the fact that I haven't been to one of those games yet.

Kentucky Derby

When I was in 6th grade we had to write a real life "research paper" (more like one, big 5 paragraph typo) about what we wanted to be when we grew up. This involved things like consulting with the teacher, a thesis, and a printer. All things that seemed silly at the time. When I was asked what I wanted to be, I said either a baseball player, or a zoo keeper. While neither of those is very likely these days, it does show that I kind of liked animals back when I was little 12 year old chump with blond highlights. That's probably the biggest reason that the Kentucky Derby is high on my list.

I've never been to a horse race, but I have ridden a horse. Kinda. Those things are big, strong, pretty animals, and to see them run up close would be amazing. And if that doesn't tickle your fancy, betting is there to make it a little more exciting. Not to mention profitable. Psych. I know that when I go to this thing, I'll gamble, and lose. But I won't care. I'm in it for the spectacle. The Derby is one of the biggest sporting events in the world and it brings out some interesting people. And interesting people means sweet hats. I'm a bit of a hat collector myself, so after I've lost all my money, sipped a few too many mint juleps, and lost interest in these animals, I always have a legit interest in the headwear to keep me happy. All in all, it's got quite a few things that would make a day at Churchill Downs an amazing, memorable event.

Final Four

I know I said I'd try to stay away from the easy choices, but I think my view on this one may be a little different. I don't want to go to the NCAA Championship. OK, if you handed me a ticket, I wouldn't burn it, but I'm more interested in going to the semi finals. I mean, what more could one ask for than back-to-back amazingly well-played (three hyphens- 1 sentence) basketball games.

I'm from Indiana, so I like to toot my own horn when it comes to basketball knowledge. Being a Hoosier also makes it so that I'm practically guaranteed (guaranteed being a very strong word) to see a hometown team in the Final Four, but not so much the Championship. To me, outstanding, amateur basketball is the absolute perfect way to spend a Saturday night.

UEFA Champions League Final

We'll be leaving the US of A for this one and knocking a couple life goals out of the way. Something I've always wanted to do is visit a country where English isn't spoken. I've also always wanted to see a soccer game played by people who are good. Thus, they won't be speaking English, or at least American English. I've left the country before, but only to places with accents, not other languages. A Champions League Final, unless it were in England, would fulfill all those bucket listy things. The game is held in late spring, so, unless it were in Russia like last year, it would make for a pretty decent vacation.

The UEFA Champions League Final is easily the single best soccer game the world has to offer each year. It is the culmination of two years hard work for the teams involved. The first year requires the team to finish well enough in their domestic league (English Premiership, Spanish La Liga, Italian Serie A, German Bundesliga, Dutch Eredivisie, French Ligue 1, and a few more). If they can do well in their league, they earn a spot in the Champions League the next year. This is a 9 month tournament, that ends with, supposedly, the two best club teams in the world. No other sport (that I watch) has a sweet ass tournament like this. A Champions League Final is the pinnacle of soccer, and I just want to see it. Could be a pretty great 90 minutes.

This is just a few of the things I'm going to see someday. There's about a billion more things that I could name, but, realistically, you probably stopped reading a long time ago. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you. Also, if anyone has an extra ticket to Munich in the Spring of 2012, hit me up.

LeBron's World

2010-12-24T17:09:00.001-08:00

This is my first post since the World Cup ended. That one's on me. I got lazy, school started, I got a sweet tan and started hanging out with real life girls. It happens, people. Get off my back, I'm here now.

Back in the day I wrote something about GOATs (Greatest of All-Time...s). I blew my load on LeBron a little early (that came out wrong) (so did that), declaring him a modern day basketball GOAT. These days I find myself just referring to him as a dickface. Now, I use this term in every day speech all the time, but usually it refers to the old person driving their PT Cruiser 5 mph below the limit, or when someone says I have Justin Bieber hair. Today, though, I read some stories about LeBron James that made me rethink his GOAT status. Ol' boy can still ball like crazy, but his ego is starting to invade my personal space.

I started to think LeBron may have gotten a titch too full of himself this summer after the 1 hour Decision special. Then again, that got 9.95 million, or 7%+ of all American tv watchers, to tune into ESPN. Even my mom watched it. She doesn't even know what channel ESPN is (it's channel 2 momma). Can't argue with results. It looked like a pretentious act, but it was just what the people wanted. People said, "But, Miller, Kevin Durant signed a huge extension and just announced it over Twitter!" But you know what? Those same critics sat in their livingroom and watched LeBron with silly anticipation, just like everyone else who's ever cared about athletic things. So, to me, "The Decision" wasn't all that bad.

This week though, LeBron solidified his dickfaceness. Two separate events took place that are just outrageously ridiculous. First, LeBron talked about contraction in the NBA. Essentially Dickface (he doesn't get a real name from here on out because it's my page dammit!) says that there are too many teams in the NBA. He claims that back in the 80's there were less teams, and that allowed the teams to be better. He says that games then were more interesting because we didn't have to wait until Christmas day to see great games. Let's not forget though, that Dickface reached the ripe old age of 6 in the 80's.

To him spreading the talent around has prevented interesting matchups on a consistent basis. Dickface thinks that it was great when there were tons of teams with two or three All Stars. He says that talents like Kevin Love, Devin Harris, and Brook Lopez are basically rotting corpses trapped in failing franchises. Get rid of the traditional losers, get those fellers on some winning teams, and we gots us some good ol' fashion basketball!!! Not so fast there sir. If I remember correctly, the Nets made the playoffs from 2001 to 2007, and only failed to advance past the first round once. They played in consecutive NBA Finals in this very decade (a decade that Dickface actually remembers). The hapless T'Wolves made the playoffs for 8 straight years not too long ago. If we're just going on what Dickface remembers, then the Heat may not exist, either. They won 15 games a mere 3 seasons ago. He may have never had a Decision either if contraction were a legitimate idea- the Cavs won 17 games to get that #1 pick.

We all know that Dickface is just blowing smoke, but really, who does he think he is? Why does he think he's important enough to make claims like this? He needs to realize that he is a player in the league, and no player is bigger than the league.

Contraction talk is crazy, but it's not even the most conceited thing he did recently.Business Insider discovered that Dickface had "his people" put together a 12 page PowerPoint that has been pitched to companies explaining why they should sponsor his birthday party. Now, I'm all for having people pay for things for me. Hey, this is a free blog after all. And, like "The Decision", people are gonnna get in on this. But what grinds my nuts is the party itself.

The official title for this shindig is the "LeBron 'King' James Full Court Birthday Celebration." The dude refers to himself as King. And in case you forget, it's on the bottom of every single slide. The theme for the party? Royalty, of course. I'm not gonna lie, I wouldn't say no to an invite, but he's asking for a minimum donation of $10,000 just to get my apparel in the "Swag bags" that the guests get. Wait? You want me to give 10G so that you can hand out my free shit? Something doesn't add up. For the low low price of $500,000 you can get a perma-invite to all of Dickface's events, which include weekly dinner parties wherever he happens to be on Sundays in 2011. Oh boy!

Basically, this is Dickface's world and we're just livin in it. Hopefully he falls off his high horse (hard) trying to hurdle a velvet rope. But, damn, can he play basketball....

You can follow Dickface's ego on Twitter!!!

Wocka Flocka Wade Chimes In

2010-07-22T04:17:00.000-07:00

Every now and then I have to sit back and think about all the things that really piss me off. All the roundabouts in Carmel, the College of Wooster Fightin’ Scots, the national debt, and that the Pacers are Cubs are really THAT bad. But it occurs to me that none of those things make me more upset than the root of all evil in the world—the designated hitter.

Why all the hatred for the designated hitter, you ask? Well, the DH was brought to baseball by the American League in 1973. 1973 was a bad year for baseball, and a bad year for America. George Steinbrenner bought the Yankees, Nixon was elected for a second term, Roe v. Wade legalized abortion, those damn hippies lost us the war in Vietnam, and confidence in our nation’s leaders plummeted due to the Watergate scandal. Again….all cause by the introduction of the DH.

Aside from all that, the DH simply changes the game of baseball. One of the things that separate baseball from sports such as football is that the teams are not divided into offense and defense. A baseball team is comprised of individuals who can bat and field. And why shouldn’t the pitcher have to bat? Throughout the Little Leagues and high school, pitchers are most always the best athlete on the team. Utility men capable of producing runs and striking guys out. But no, those namby-pambies over in the American League had to produce this gross, twisted and disgusting excuse for a baseball player. In order to protect the pitcher from embarrassing himself at the plate, another player—a big, fat slob of meat, gets the chance to put a ball in play. At a time when America was beginning its crisis of confidence the AL succumbed to childish wimps.

So, every All Star Game, I root for the NL. Not just because I have been cursed to be a Cub fan, but because dammit it seems the right thing to do. In the World Series, like I’ll ever have my own damned team to root for, I cheer for the NL, simply because I can’t stand to see those smug bastards that populate the AL be successful. Now we have an entire generation of kids who were born on third base thinking they hit triples. Why does the economy collapse in 2008? Because people tried to seek a quick fix to their troubles. Why aren’t kids as successful in school? Because of shit like the DH illustrating that you don’t have to be a good player in all facets of the game, so long as you have a mercenary to bail you out. I’m Tyler Wade, and I’d love to see Ted Lilly go 0-27 to start a season any day, because the American League can kiss my ass…

-Tyler Wade

There's a 3rd Place Game?

2010-07-10T08:29:00.000-07:00

So, apparently there's a silly thing called the third place game in the World Cup. Today we've got a couple teams that I fully expect to drag ass and play all depressed like they should be. Playing to be kinda recognized should be pretty dreadful. But, in keeping with the tradition I started at the beginning, TWade and I will tell you what's going to happen.

I don't feel the need to write much about the Nazi's and the You'reragay's, so we'll just get to the picks. TWade's going with the upstart Germans. I'm going with Diego Forlan's golden locks or goals.

After tomorrow's game, I'm going to go through and add up total correct picks for both of us, and I'm hoping that I beat him. It's been quite a tourney, and it's gotten all blurry. All I know is that I picked Netherlands a couple months ago and now I look like a freakin genius. Awesome.

The Semis

2010-07-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

This is late because TWade gave me his picks after I left for work. So, technically it's all his fault. Luckily today's game was a pretty obvious choice. We both had the Oranje.

Tomorrow's game is where we differ. He thinks the upstart Nazis are gonna take it, but I believe in the Spaniards. They're the best team left. I know the Nazis are straight up shitting on good teams, but Spain is still legit. My brain's tellin me that I'm going to lose, but I need to go against TJ Wocka Flocka Wade on something, right? How else does one prove more soccer knowledge than to guess (and I mean guess on this one) different results?

My fingers are crossed that Spain goes all WWII and takes out Germany.

Quarters, Day Two

2010-07-03T06:18:00.000-07:00

I'm trying to get this up quickly and get on the road. Today's big game is Germany v Argentina. TWade and I disagree on this one. I'm taking the Nazi's and he's grapped the Argentines. The other game should be a little easier to pick. We're both takingspain over Paraguay.

Today's Picks

2010-07-02T04:22:00.000-07:00

I'd like to say that TWade and I are tired of picking EVERY SINGLE GAME of the Cup, but I'm not tired of it. And neither is Wade. I don't think. I like showing my superior sports prediction skills. The chance to talk about a sporting event that your friends don't really care about only comes around every 4 years, so we're gonna take advantage of it, dammit.

Anyway, today's games are BIG. Quarterfinals, yo. Uruguay will go up against AIDS. Both TWade and I are hoping for AIDS to realize they are centuries behind in the whole civilization thing, thus losing in soccer. Die in a fire Ghana!!!!

The other game is by far the biggest matchup thus far. The mighty Brasil and the flashy Nederland. I picked Netherlands to win before the whole thing started. That was before Brazil started pooping on folks. If I were going to make a guess based on how teams have played thus far, it'd be Brasil. But I'm gonna roll with their potential, and say the Oranje will do it. Also, I have a Netherlands jersey, and you know I can't go against a jersey. TWade also picked the Netherlands, for some reason.

Round of 16 Day Four

2010-06-29T04:37:00.000-07:00

The crazy slanty eyeds of Japan take on the cleverly named White and Red of Paraguay. My little brother is rooting hard for the Japs, but I'm gonna go ahead and say that the Paraguayans are going to pull this out simply because they are a Spanish speaking nation.

The other game is quite a bit more challenging to guess. Portugal and Spain. Big game. I'm not even sure how to pick a winner. All of Portugal's goals came in one game. Spain lost to Switzerland. Both teams have the ability to win by 5 or put up a fatty goose egg. I'm going to go with Spain for this.

TWade is going with the Ronaldo's and a pair of gays. That's Paraguay, moron.

Round of 16 Day Three

2010-06-29T04:35:00.000-07:00

Meh, it's a day late, but not a dollar short. On this day we had a couple fairly obvious games. Netherlands v Slovakia and Brazil v Chile.

TWade and I both had the Dutch and Samba dancers winning. We were both right. Get off out swag, as the kids would say.

Round of 16 Day Two

2010-06-27T06:18:00.001-07:00

As we all try to forget about yesterday's game, and try to recover from yesterday's effort to forget (aka drinking too much), we have to remember that 14 teams are still trying to win the World Cup. Ghana has sealed their fate as a nation that doesn't want to exist any longer, but other countries can still win this thing without worries. Today we've got two games that feature 4 legit championship contenders. Mexico is a scary team when they are healthy. If Carlos Vela plays today, then they are a whole new team. Argentina was stupendous in group play and may have the momentum they need to to win. Germany v England is another tricky one. Germany looked unbeatable in their first game, but then lost the second one. England looked pretty awful for every game. Anywho, on to the picks.

TWade like the Three Lions of England and La Albiceleste of Argentina.

I, on the other hand, like Das Mannchaft of Germany and El Tri of Mexico.

It's gonna be a bad day for two contenders. Let's see what happens.

Round of 16 Day One

2010-06-26T05:56:00.001-07:00

My boy TWade thought he'd text me at 8:45 with his picks for today. And he demanded they be in the blog. He's pick the US of A and Uragay (I know, that's not really how it's spelled).

I'm going to ride with that line of thought. Uruguay is pretty damn good and the US is my team (besides the Dutch).

I may not be able to do this every day, but I'll try. And Wade, text a little later.

NBA Draft Live Blog

2010-06-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

Last year I did some ridiculous post about strange names in the NBA draft. That was fun. This year I'm stepping it up and actually watching it. I'm sure someone else out there is too, and would like to read my thoughts as company. Here goes...

First and foremost, I'd like to say that I don't like the NBA draft. Not sayin I HATE it, but I don't LIKE it. My main reason is because the "experts" all say the same thing about each person. "Athletic", "long", and "potential" are words you'll hear about eleventy-million times. This is not useful information. I want to know things like "Is this human being good at basketball?" Until they can consistently answer that question, I won't be completely satisfied.

That's not to say there aren't positives about the draft. I enjoy the Michal Buble soundtrack that went with the intro I just watched. I like that I know the Pacers will draft a bad, big, white guy.

Oh boy, oh boy. It's starting.

First, though, watch this.

Stephen A. isn't here this year, but we can still remember him.

7:35- The Wizards are on the clock, and we're reminded of Kwame Brown, the worst #1 overall pick ever. I'm sure that's something the Wiz want reminded of when they take John Wall in 3 minutes.

7:37- The Washington Wizzers select................. John Wall. OMG this is soooooo... expected. Nothing to see here. Move along.

7:38- Nice highlight of Wall dunking against IU. That's nice. Any footage of him dominating the Special Olympics too?

7:41- "John, the Wizards had some trouble last year. How do you plan to fit in?"
"Ima get a gun to protect myself in the locker room. Queensbridge." I think that interview went that way.

7:43- Evan Turner. I knew it. I'm an expert. Something about basketball IQ. Athlete. Good at everything, not great at anything. I should be hearing from ESPN soon about my analytical skills.

7:45- Each of the top 2 picks can improve on "avoiding turnovers". No shit. That seems like a universal basketball player type thing.

7:48- The worst team in the league selects Derrick Favors. He's a big feller. Chose to go to Georgia Tech over every other school in the world. Probably regretting that right now.

7:50- Favors is athletic and has a big wing span. Oh really? A professional basketball phenom is athletic? Who knew....

7:52- Nets fan with a vuvuzela in the stands. I hope he gets mugged wondering the streets of Manhattan.

7:53- Numero quatro is Wes Johnson from Syracuse. He's really skinny. And apparently 5 years older than Favors. AND HOLY SHIT look at those pants.

7:53- And the early favorite for hottest female fans is Wesley Johnson. Some shapely Syracuse coeds came to support their boy. And I'm sure he'll oblige them with a little 2 on 1 time after the draft. Afterall, he's a pro athlete headed to Minnesota, so get your NY lovin while it's hot.

7:58- No more NBA Live video games? NBA Elite 11? This is baloney.

8:00- Sack town snatches DeMarcus Cousins. I think this year's 2010-2011 Rookie of the Year will just go to the 09/10 Kentucky team. Cousins is a big mofo. Ol boy tips the scales at about 300. And another highlight against IU. Haters.

8:04- No interview for DeMarcus until Cal is done. Coach Cal gets the spotlight.

8:05- DeMarcus looks blazed. Enunciate boy! Open your mouth when you speak.

8:07- Number 6 is Ekpe Udoh. Our first foreign pla... Wait, what? He went to Baylor. Well ok then. A side note, he led the Big 10 and Big 12 in blocks in separate seasons. Apparently he transferred from Michigan.

8:12- Detroit used to to go to the finals consistently. Now, Detroit is the crappiest city in the USA. They snagged Greg Monroe out of GTown. He's a big feller with passing skills. Can you say Chris Webber?

8:13- They showed a highlight of Monroe knocking down a college 3. Then they say he must improve on "shooting range". Something doesn't add up.

8:17- The Clippers have a giant poster of Eric Gordon outside the staples center. I went to school with him. Somehow that makes me cooler. They also chose to draft Al-Farouq Aminu. I have to be strong and not make a terrorist joke.

8:19- Jay Bilas is under the impression that basketball skill is determined simply by arm length. And he managed to talk about his "weak" left hand as he makes a nice lefty layup on the highlight reel. Good work ESPN.

8:24- Gordon Hayward. Well, he's leaving Indianapolis. Too bad. I liked that guy. He'll fit in well in Utah. Whiteness is kinda their thing.

8:26- Gordon must improve "strength". If his only improvement is more lifting, I can handle that.

8:28- Twin sister. Niiiice. Oh, umm nevermind.

8:29- And the Indiana Pacers select Larry Bird!!!! Welcome home!

8:30- But for reallzz, the Pacers grab Paul George from Fresno State? Really?

8:33- A turnover prone player with bad shot selection. He'll play a position that is already occupied by an All Star. And a Fresno State pedigree. Awesome, just awesome. I'll be drinking this night away.

8:36- Just talked to T-Wade about this. We're not excited. Wade thinks he was drafted because his sister's athletic. I pointed out that a certain Reggie Miller had a talented big sis.

8:37- Cole Aldrich now live in the NO. Good luck. Country ass white boy going down to Nawlans. Hopefully he meets Weezy and they bond. I don't know what else to say.

Remember when I said I don't like the draft? I was right. I'm only doing the lottery now.

8:40- Cole Aldrich is a very well spoken guy. I like him. If this were Facebook, he'd get a thumbs up.

8:41- Ric Bucher, my future colleague, says Cole will be traded. Too bad. We were about to me tight.

8:44- Xavier Henry goes to Memphis. The home of 3-6 Mafia. Should be good times. What I like about him is that his name isn't just Xavier, it's Zav-ee-ay. Ol boy can shoot too.

8:48- The Canadians picked up Ed Davis. He's a good big man. Didn't get much playing time until this year, but proved himself. I like him. I don't like UNC, but this guy is a good baller.

8:51- Last pick that I'm gonna cover. Hope it's a good one.

8:55- Rockets select Pat Patterson. Another Kentucky player. I'm sure two more will go soon. But I'm dippin out right now. Peace!

9:08- Special request to do the Bulls pick. Here goes.

9:11- We'll pretend those other picks never happened. At #17 the Bulls select--- LeBron James!!! What a steal. But really, Kevin (Keveeeeeen) Seraphin. Umm who? Foreign guy who the "experts" don't seem to know anything about. They better get LeBron if they ever wanna do better than being a perennial 5 seed in the Easter Conference. (There Matt, I covered the Bulls.)

You Don't Know Jack, Rick

2010-06-15T19:36:00.000-07:00

Rick Reilly is currently a writer for espn.com, but gained a large following during his time as a columnist for Sports Illustrated. Each and every week he had a column featured on the back page. This was the first thing I read every Wednesday. I would get home from school, go up to the bathroom, and read Rick Reilly's column.

Now he's got a bi-monthly piece in ESPN the mag, and has some sort of blog thingy on espn.com. He also writes very poor opinion pieces for the site. Tonight, while the Celtics were being dragged through LA like a crip who wondered into blood territory, I saw his new column called "World Cup buzz kill", which is a compilation of ten ways he'd fix the world cup. Basically, he showed that he's not much of a soccer guy, and anyone who takes the time to read it wasted 10 minutes of their life. I'm gonna summarize his 10 points and show why they're all retarded arguments.
1. That pesky cerebrum-blowing incessant buzzing sound coming from the TV set. Apparently Rick's got a problem with the vuvuzelas. Well, Rick, deal with it. This is the first World Cup in Africa, and if the hosts want to share a tradition with us, let us embrace it. I for one think they're awesome. Can you imagine playing a sport in front of 50,000 bees? It would be nonstop energy. And Rick complains about the sound from his TV.

2. The embarrassing photographer bibs the guys on the bench have to wear during the game. Really Rick? It's only reason number 2 and you're resorting to the substitutes pennys? That's the big follow up to your anti-African tradition. That's a pretty standard rule in soccer. You designate your subs on the sideline. That's pretty much all there is to it on this one. At this point you'd think he would've realized he was sorta reaching and scrapped this column.

3. The Twinkie-fingered gloves goalkeepers wear. First the sub's jerseys, now the goalie gloves. What I'm getting from this column, Rick, is that you wouldn't so much as change the World Cup, but soccer as a whole. I mean, goalie gloves are goalie gloves. They're big. I'm sure the guys who get paid to engineer those things are much more qualified to testify on their effectiveness than you. But, hey, Rick you've got 7 more reasons, let's close it strong.

4. The godforsaken vuvuzelas! Make them stop! Oh, ya, you already said that. I guess you could've just written about 9 things you'd change. I know 10 is a more significant number, but you can only stretch a column so far. I bet your last 6 reasons really tie the whole thing up, I got faith Rick.

5. All the faking. I somewhat agree with this. Professional soccer has a lot of dramatic guys. I wouldn't say they're faking though. Faking gets you a yellow card, which Rick will talk about later. These guys aren't faking as much as they are exaggerating. They turn a nudge into a shove. A stubbed toe becomes an all out leg sweep. But, Rick, isn't that in all professional soccer, not just the World Cup? Wouldn't you be suggesting that all of soccer be changed, not just the World Cup? Why did you write this if you hate soccer so much, Rick?

6. The yellow cards. Told ya this was coming. Rick doesn't like yellow cards. This is another argument I could jump on board with... if he presented a case that isn't completely retarded. If he would've written something along the lines of, "these refs are too stern. I think this World Cup has had too many yellows," then I may not have agreed, but I would've not been upset that he said it. Instead, Ricky Poo just writes about how stupid yellow cards are in general. He questions the power that the yellow card possesses. He wonders what would happen if an NBA ref tried to break up a fight with a yellow. Nothing, you dipshit, that's an automatic red card. Learn the rules.

7. The ties. I guess this is a valid argument. He doesn't really give an argument besides the fact that he doesn't like ties in general. I could see the World Cup benefiting from allowing overtime in the group stages. Maybe have two 15 minute added periods, and call a tie if they're still tied. Too bad Rick couldn't be more like me. If you call out a problem, you better have a solution. Don't just make a dumb JC Penny joke.

8. The World Cup itself. He doesn't like the trophy. It's not the most aesthetically pleasing thing in the world, I'll give him that. But the thing's got history. Maybe if Rick took some time research before he half-assed his articles he'd know that. The trophy has evaded Mussolini and some Nazis. How can you not respect the Anne Frank of trophies? Rick is an antisemitic dick.

9. Stoppage time. Another non-World Cup change. Rick, stoppage time is essential to soccer. The clock never stops, even during all those super dramatic ankle injuries. So, to make up for that lost time, they add it to the top. Rick also says that nobody besides the refs know how much time is left. That's not true. The 4th ref holds up a sign denoting how much added time there is. Everyone in the stadium, and especially us tv viewers, knows exactly how much time there is. As far as not stopping right when time is reached, that's because it wouldn't be right to stop a team who has a chance to score. Unlike football or basketball, there's no last second heave in soccer. Each attack is carefully planned and executed. And when a team is down 1 with a minute or so to play, they can't be expected to stop right at the minute mark.

10. The vuvuzelas from eardrum-hellas! We get it Rick, you are a shitty writer, and you turned in a subject to the editor well before you thought it out. Just repeating yourself doesn't mask this fact. Nice try. Maybe I'll write an article called "The 10 most annoying things about crappy sports writing."

This isn't the only piece of poop that Rick's produced since leaving SI. This particular turd is the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I don't think I'll be holding my breath for his next piece of work. Rick, you would've been better off just writing an anti-soccer article, a la Stephen Webb. Instead you attacked the beset sporting event in the world, and when you mess with the best, you're gonna lose.

USA v England

2010-06-12T11:08:00.000-07:00

It's being dubbed as the biggest game in history for USA soccer. The 15th ranked Americans will do battle against the 8th ranked Brits. We're the underdogs, but so was the 1950 team that knocked off the Three Lions. Let's get some pumped up music and do this thing. I'll be live blogging for this one. My buddy Lesch is here. He may not be much of a soccer guy, but he makes up for that lack of knowledge with a love for beer. We'll see if he says anything of note during this crucial 90 minutes of soccer.

0 min- Star Spangles Banner. Always sounds best when the Brits are forced to listen. Bastards.

0 min- Our captain is named Bocanegra, and our best player is Altidore. Where are the American names?

1 min- USA! USA! USA! According to the expert, Lesch, we're wearing green. This is gonna be great.

3 min- Robbie Findlay is getting the start. This makes me happy. Dude's fast.

4 min- Well shit. Maybe if we're down by 6 at half, I can just get drunk. We're down 1. The expert says, "that's game."

6 min- This US team, built on strong defense, with good team communication, got burned by Steven Gerrard. They just lost track of him and paid for it.

10 min- Apparently the English possess two important components of soccer, talent and skill. But hey, we've got teamwork.

13 min- It took less than 15 minutes for the expert to resort to using a stupid English accent. It's gonna be a long game.

14 min- Lots of corners for the US. Too bad we can't capitalize.

17 min- The US is struggling to make every pass. Their best runs come off desperation long balls.

19 min- Jozy has a chance, but misses the header. England responds with a great chance. Anything we can do, they can do better. They can do anything better than us.

23 min- Lesch wants to kill the horns. They're getting to him.

26 min- Devonshire native James Milner gets a yellow card. Good for him. Dick.

29 min- NOOOOOO Tim Howard, you best be gettin up.

32 min- Emile Heskey deserved a card. He wasn't close to the ball. Reckless slide into Timmy. Thank Jah Timbo's ok.

36 min- The Americans are being out muscled. Not good. When's the Algeria game?

39 min- A yeller one for Steve Cherundolo.

40 min- GOALLLALALAOSDFOASDFLKASDFNB! yhGO USA!!!!!!!!!!!

42 min- Upon further review, I'm putting that goal on the new ball. First time this tourney that it's made a difference.

43 min- According to the expert, Heksey is "legit dead". Good. Beckham is pissy according to my sister's friend. Good word.

45+ min- All squared at the half. I'll take it. We got outplayed, but the score doesn't know that.

46 min- Annnnnd we're off.

48 min- Jay DeMerit gets a bogus handy. He did handjob the ball, but didn't deserve a yeller. TWade says,' Demerit for DeMerit," WOW funny.

51 min- Bulldog face called for offside. Die.

52 min- Tim Howard snags it out of the air off Heskey's foot. I guess being dead didn't affect Emile.

56 min- It's good to see the US not settling for a tie. Still pushing forward and going for goals.

60 min- Jamie Carragher with a dickhead tackle. He was rewarded with a yellow.

61 min- Steven Gerrard, a Liverpool douche like Carragher, gets a yellow within one minute. The Brits are lookin brittle. Punny huh?

64 min- USA with a superduper close call. Jozy was this close to putting the Yanks up. This pressure is great.

66 min- Glen Brittle Bitch Johnson is bleeding. Get him a tampon and let's go.

70 min- England with a lot of nice passes until Bulldog face craps the bed and gives it up.

71 min- Just too high for Bulldog face. That's what he gets for being 5'10" and not 6'.

73 min- Robbie Findley turns out not to be Usain Bolt and just can't catch up to two long balls.

74 min- Pretty bad challenge by not-Usain. Yellow.

76 min- Tim Howard for president.

78 min- Bob Bradley is about 2 minutes behind me. I just said let's see some Buddle for Findley.

81 min- The expert notices that Peter Crouch looks very retarded. True.

84 min- US defense stops a 4 on 2 break by England.

86 min- Bulldog face is gettin feisty. I wanna see a thrown punch. Just one and I'll be content.

89 min- Lando with a rocket right over the bar.

90+ min- Probably our last chance on this corner. Lando takes it and its knocked to safety twice.

90+ min- 2 more minutes of extra time. Let's see if we try for another shot or settle for a tie. Either way, we done good y'all.

That's all folks. The Yankees tie the Three Lions. We were underdogs, but managed a point. i think we'll take it and hope the Brits trip up some time against Algeria or Slovenia and we can take the group. Long live the USA!

The Power of Numbers

2010-06-12T07:36:00.000-07:00

Many sports have numbers that have significant meaning. Certain numbers have a little bit more importance than just identifying a player. Basketball has the number 23, made immortal by the Michael Jordan of basketball himself, Michael Jordan. Nowadays it's the LeBron James number. 23 denotes the guy who thinks they are the best around. Most of the time it is being sported by someone who definitely doesn't justify the great 2-3. Check out this list of all time #23's.

A lot of people know about the significance of 42 in baseball. Jackie Robinson was sporting this numeral when he broke the color barrier in 1947. 50 years later Bud Selig retired the number for all of Major League Baseball. Nobody is allowed to wear that number, unless they were already wearing it in 1997. Only one popular player remains from that pre-1997 era. Yankees closer Mariano Rivera still rocks old 42. And, really, if one person could still rep 42, Mo isn't a horrible choice.

Basketball and baseball have holy numbers, but soccer's numerical greatness expands world wide. Everyone in America knows about the legends of 23 and 42, but everyone all over the world knows what being your team's number 10 represents. If you're granted the right to sport 10, you've been dubbed your teams creator, the playmaker, the MAN. Historically and in the modern game, 10 on your back just means you're the best. In the old days, it could be seen on the backside of the greats. Pele, arguably the Michael Jordan of soccer, wore #10 for Brazil during his three World Cup championships. Another South American famously wore the 10. Diego Maradona, a controversial Argentine superhero, wore 10 in the 1986 World Cup, in which his 5 goals and 5 assists helped Argentina win the championship. Frenchman Zinedine "Zizzou" Zidane, maybe mist well known for a headbutt, wore the 10. His two goals against Brazil in the 1998 World Cup Final cemented his legendary status in the soccer world.

The importance of the number 10 isn't lost on today's game either. Lionel Messi, the reigning world player of the year, dons the 10 for both his club team, Barcelona, and the Argentina squad. Wayne Rooney, while being a giant douche, wear 10 for England and Manchester United, two despicable clubs. This year, Kaka, Brazil's superduperstar, get's to wear the number for the World Cup team. Kaka has adopted #10 from Ronaldinho, the two time World Player of the Year winner, who sported it for Barcelona and Brazil for much of this decade. #10 for the talented Spain squad has been given to my boy, crafty midfielder, Cesc Fabregas. And for all my American fans, Landon Donovan gets to put on the famed 10 for the Stars and Stripes. I guess that's fitting since he's the only one on the USA team that comes close to a playmaker.

Three measly numbers with backstories a mile long. 23 is still on the up and up in basketball. Some people, including LeBron himself, want MJ's number retired around the league. Until that happens, the 23 can't touch the importance of 42 in baseball. Once Mariano is dunzo, 42 will go down in baseball lore forever. The international importance of the 10 in soccer trumps the measly American numbers. Anyone whose anyone in the soccer world has put on the 10. And anyone who wants to be anyone would be smart to call dibs on number ten in peewee soccer.

TJ Wocka Flocka Wade

2010-06-11T11:00:00.001-07:00

My broski TWade thinks he can out do my picks. Not gonna happen. His winners are in bold.

Friday, June 11

South Africa v. MEXICO- Tie

URUGUAY v. France- Tie

Saturday, June 12

SOUTH KOREA v. Greece- That is correct

ARGENTINA v. Nigeria- Yup

ENGLAND v. United States- Tie

Sunday, June 13

Algeria v. SLOVENIA- Si

SERBIA v. Ghana- Sorry Wade the Black Stars prevail

GERMANY v. Australia- No Brainer

Monday, June 14

NETHERLANDS v. Denmark- Double No Brainer

Japan v. CAMEROON- False Mr. Wade

ITALY v. Paraguay- I thought the same thing

Tuesday, June 15

New Zealand v. SLOVAKIA- NZ isn't THAT bad

Ivory Coast v. PORTUGAL- There were no winners here

BRAZIL v. North Korea- No brainer

Wednesday, June 16

Honduras v. CHILE- Chile FTW

SPAIN v. Switzerland- False. Wait, what?

South Africa v. URUGUAY- Diego Forlan with the brace and a win

Thursday, June 17

ARGENTINA v. South Korea- Obviously

Greece v. NIGERIA- Woah, not this time.

FRANCE v. Mexico- The Frogs LOSE!!!

Friday, June 18

GERMANY v. Serbia- Serbia sneaks one.

Slovenia v. UNITED STATES- Tie.

ENGLAND v. Algeria- Tie.

Saturday, June 19

NETHERLANDS v. Japan- Uhh duh.

GHANA v. Australia- Tie.

CAMEROON v. Denmark- Arsenal rises to the top. Denmark!

Sunday, June 20

Slovakia v. PARAGUAY- Paraguay is legit.

ITALY v. New Zealand- Italy is in trouble. Tie.

BRAZIL v. Ivory Coast- Easy pick.

Monday, June 21

PORTUGAL v. North Korea- 7-0. Wowzers

CHILE v. Switzerland- One-nil. Chile.

SPAIN v. Honduras- Finally Spain doesn't suck.

Tuesday, June 22

Mexico v. URUGUAY- Uruguay wins and wins the group.

FRANCE v. South Africa- Good effort by South Africa. Win this, eliminated.

NIGERIA v. South Korea- Tie.

Greece v. ARGENTINA- Argentines are legit.

Wednesday, June 23

Slovenia v. ENGLAND- Bloody Brits finally won.

UNITED STATES v. Algeria- HOLY MOLY WE WON!!!

Ghana v. GERMANY- Both go on. Germany wins this.

Australia v. SERBIA- Aussi land wins, but goes back Under.

Thursday, June 24

Slovakia v. ITALY- Ha. Eliminated. Down with spaghetti.

PARAGUAY v. New Zealand- Tie.

DENMARK v. Japan- Winner goes on. Japan wins.

Cameroon v. NETHERLANDS- Easy peezy.

Friday, June 25

Portugal v. BRAZIL- Most boring game ever. Tie.

North Korea v. IVORY COAST- True, but CIV is dunzo.

Chile v. SPAIN- C;lose, but Spain prevails.

Switzerland v. HONDURAS- Tie.

Big Ben is in Trouble

2010-06-10T04:44:00.000-07:00

OOOOOO I'm telling mom... Ben Roesthlisberger is still a giant douche.

Miller's Picks

2010-06-08T11:52:00.000-07:00

I'm going to pick every single game of the Group Stage. I'm trying to have some other people who claim to watch soccer do the same thing, and we'll compare.

Friday, June11
South Africa 1-3 Mexico (Epic fail)
Uruguay 1-1 France (Yezzzir, got it)

Saturday, June 12
South Korea 1-0 Greece (I was close, it's a win)
Argentina 4-1 Nigeria (Easily could've been 4-1. Win)
England 2-1 USA (So happy I got this wrong)

Sunday, June 13
Algeria 0-0 Slovenia (So close)
Serbia 0-2 Ghana (A post shot from having the score too)
Germany 3-1 Australia (Germany is good. I got this right)

Monday, June 14
Netherlands 3-0 Denmark (2-0 is close enough)
Japan 2-2 Cameroon (Cameroon dropped the ball here)
Italy 2-1 Paraguay (Italy is less than intimidating)

Tuesday, June 15
New Zealand 0-2 Slovakia (Kiwi's stepped it up big time)
Ivory Coast 1-3 Portugal (Most boring game yet, they tied 0-0)
Brazil 5-1 North Korea (The Samba moves never showed up. Still win)

Wednesday, June 16
Honduras 1-2 Chile (Yassir, got it!)
Spain 3-0 Switzerland (Told yo... wait? what? Swazzi Land won?)
South Africa 1-2 Uruguay (Atletico fwd Forlan ftw!)

Thursday, June 17
Argentina 2-1 South Korea (I got this right)
Greece 1-3 Nigeria (Ummmm No)
France 0-2 Mexico (What? 100% right? Oh yeah!)

Friday, June 18
Germany 1-1 Serbia (At least I knew the Nazi's weren't gonna win)
Slovenia 0-2 USA (I had our goals right)
England 1-1 Algeria (I knew it)

Saturday, June 19
Netherlands 2-1 Japan (My boys the dutch)
Ghana 2-2 Australia (Got this right)
Cameroon 1-0 Denmark (Uhh wrong)

Sunday, June 20
Slovakia 1-2 Paraguay (Yassir)
Italy 3-0 New Zealand (Ha. Wrong)
Brazil 3-2 Ivory Coast (So close to 100% right)

Monday, June 21
Portugal 3-1 North Korea (I got the winner at least)
Chile 2-2 Switzerland (Chile won)
Spain 4-0 Honduras (2-0 is kinda like 4-0)

Tuesday, June 22
Mexico 1-1 Uruguay (Uruguay won. I didn't)
France 2-1 South Africa (Ha. France is a joke)
Nigeria 2-2 South Korea (Truf)
Greece 0-3 Argentina (Duh)

Wednesday, June 23
Slovenia 1- 3 England (Correct, sadly)
USA 1-0 Algeria (What? Soooo right)
Ghana 2-2 Germany (Nah, Ger. won)
Australia 1-3 Serbia (Aussi's prevail)

Thursday, June 24
Slovakia 1-2 Italy (Nope)
Paraguay 2-0 New Zealand (Nope)
Denmark 1-1 Japan (Nope)
Cameroon 1-1 Netherlands (And to round out the worst day... NOPE)

Friday, June 25
Portugal 2-2 Brazil (I got the tie part right)
North Korea 0-1 Ivory Coast (I got the winner)
Chile 1-2 Spain (Perfection)
Switzerland 1-2 Honduras (Almost a perfect day)

I'll tally these up in a few weeks and combine them with anyone else who wants to give it a try.

The Dreaded Group C

2010-06-06T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've already written a little bit about the World Cup as a whole, but I haven't said much about the most important thing, the United States. Before the Americans can make a run to the championship, they have to get out of group play. The US is guaranteed to play in 3 games before they get eliminated, and you want to be as informed about those 3 opponents as humanly possible, thus you're reading this. The US is favored to make it through the group stage, but this is the World Cup and American soccer, so it's a safe bet to assume we'll shit the bed and lose all three games. This impending disappointment won't stop me from breaking down all 4 teams in Group C. We've got England, Slovenia, Algeria, and the US of A all playing for 2 spots in the round of 16. 2 go on, 2 go home (oh snap, your boy just came up with a great slogan).

ENGLAND
When you think soccer, you think England. Or Brazil. But mostly England. Americans have an ingrained perception that British kids have a football attached to the foot straight out the womb. This isn't technically true, but it's pretty close. Ranked #8 in the world, England is obviously the favorite to win the group outright. It's not inconceivable for England to go 3-0 in group play, win a few more, and lose on PK's in the semi's. England is notorious for being the opposite of clutch in the world cup. Despite being the favorites a time or two, they haven't brought home the gold since 1966. Obviously they'll be motivated, and intimidating, but they aren't unbeatable. They just lost their best defender, and captain, Rio Ferdinand to injury. Wayne Rooney is an immensely talented hothead, which will definitely be a factor in this group due to Algeria and USA's styles of play (keep reading and this will make sense). Another downfall of the Brits is their lack of diversity. Every one of their players plays in the Premier League. I've always been a proponent of more inclusion. In my opinion, the beauty of national teams is bringing together the ideals from many different teams and leagues. All England has is English fundamentals. Sure, England's got the big name players, Rooney, Ashley Cole, Frank Lampard, Steven Gerrard, and Jermaine Defoe's punk ass, to win the whole thing, but cohesion could be a problem. Team chemistry isn't England's strong point. It's their group to lose, and let's hope they do.

Algeria
Technically, Algeria should be the worst team in this group. They have the lowest world ranking in the group at #30, but they're mean. Watch this video:

Nicknamed the Desert Foxes and captained by Yazis Mansouri, Algeria isn't a very talented team. In the 2010 African Cup of Nations they managed an undesirable 4th place. Rafik Saifi is liable to score a goal or two, but that won't win a group. I don't think Algeria has any real chance of getting past the group stage, but that's the beauty of the World Cup, any team can screw things up for another. Algeria better not choose to play well against the US though.

Slovenia
What do you know about Slovenian soccer? Yeah me too. But that's what Youtube and Wikipedia is for. Apparently Slovenia is ranked #25 in the world, which isn't too shabby.They had the best goal differential in their World Cup qualifying group, at +14. A man by the name of Robert Koren is the captain and starts in the midfield. Their leading goal maker is 31 year old Milivoje Novakovic. Try to say that one time fast. That might set a record for most "V's" in a name.

Be sure to watch the US vs Slovenia game just to hear the announcers try to pronounce some of these names. Aleksander Radosavljevic better get in the game. In 2006 Slovenia was the only team to beat Italy in the World Cup. They squeaked out a 1-0 win over the Azuri, some how. This team has experienced guys who have won big World Cup games. I wouldn't be surprised to see them beat out the USA.

United States of America
The stars and stripes decided in 2002 that they were going to set a goal for 2010. That goal was to set aside a group of promising young players and develop them to win the 2010 World Cup. That seems a little far fetched, but this is the best US team to take the field. Bob Bradley and Co. had that amazing run in last year's Confederations Cup, with a victory over Spain that was supposed to turn US soccer around. What that run proved is that the US can beat some teams and may be deserving of their #14 world ranking. Amerca is one of the most athletic teams in the world. What we lack in creativity and foot skills we make up for with speed and strength. Spain and Brazil have the superstars with the Youtube highlights, whereas the US will just knock those prissy Euros over. America is usually praised for their superior conditioning and being tough mentally. I think that mental toughness stems from the rest of the world's lack of respect for American soccer. Every game the US plays, it seems like there's a sense that they cannot be favored. This reputation for not being a soccer nation probably eats at these guys. That negative reputation might be well deserved from what we've seen in 2010. USA is only 3-3 this year, and two of those wins came in the last week. They've lost the Netherlands (who is going to win the cup), Honduras, and Czech Republic. Some injuries definitely played a factor, and now that Oguchi Onyewu and captain Carlos Bocanegro are fully healed, they have been playing much better of late. I hope the US makes a run, but I'm not going to hold my breath. I do think we'll get out of the group stage, and it's not impossible for the US to get a favorable matchup later on. If things go right, we could be seeing Americans playing pretty late in the tournament. Too bad all our hopes are hanging on this guy:

We're screwed.

Umm... What?

2010-05-26T04:16:00.000-07:00

This is what "fashion designer" Venus Williams was sporting at the French Open. It buuurrrrnns. It BURRRNNNNSSS....

Fantasy World Cup Soccer

2010-05-24T21:45:00.001-07:00

I found a fantasy world cup soccer website. I made a league. I want you to join.

CLICK HERE

I'm not going to give step by step directions to make a team because you're not an idiot. I will give you the necessary info to join my league.

League Number: 96169
League Password: Wabash
Description: Fantasy Soccer? Awesome

Hopefully that works, and hopefully you join. Maybe I'll put up my team a little closer to the opening games.

God in Sports

2010-05-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

The Magic game just ended. In the post-game interview, Dwight Howard was asked, "What was key to the Magic pulling this out?" (that's what she said), or some generic post-game question along those lines. Howard gave his usual response, "First and foremost, I gotta thank God..." I'm not a religious person, but I'm not one to be anti religion or anything. I'm just sayin' that thanking the Big Guy for winning a basketball game is absurd.

First, did God choose to help the Magic win, and set the Celtics up for failure? That doesn't sound right. Did Kevin Garnett's constant shit talking finally catch up him? Personally, I wouldn't be too keen on a deity that picks winners before the competition starts. This has bothered me for a long time, not just with Dwight "the Shoulders" Howard (I'm making this nickname stick). All through time people have thanked the man upstairs for their own victories. It's really stupid to thank God for a win. Thank Him for everyone making it through the contest safely. Thank Him for granting you with superhuman athletic ability. Don't thank Him for making one team perform worse than another, that's just silly.

Another thing- if God were to pick a team, it wouldn't be the Magic. If there's one thing on this world that completely contradicts the idea of religion and divine beings, it's magic. If a person believes in magic, then that allows them to reject all aspects of Christianity and many other religions. Was Jesus a prophet or a magician? Got ya thinkin now, don't I? So, if the almighty were going to pick a team in the NBA to help, it would NOT be the Contradictors... I mean Magic.

Sorry to rant on a touchy subject, but I had to say my part. Think about it, and make your own decision. Does God really help decide the outcome of sporting events?

UEFA Champs League Live Blog

2010-05-22T11:43:00.000-07:00

Ok folks. I love live blogging things, so I'm doin it again. We've got Inter v Bayern Munich. I think Inter is gonna kick some ass, but that's just me. We'll see if Bayern can overcome Ribery's suspension. Inter Milan, to me, is the best team in the world and has been all season. We kick off here in a few minutes, so let's do this.

0 min- Off we go. Martin Tyler and Andy Gray announcing. Sweetness. It's like watching a game of Fifa10.

2 min- Two early set pieces for Inter in Bayern's half. Just a few breaks away from excitement,

3 min- Bayern with a strong counter attack and Robben draws a foul and a free kick.

5 min- Both teams have been just a little off on passes that would have surely been goals. Finally Inter had a legit goal opportunity, but the wet field screwed it all up.

7 min- I can't help but notice that Inter has had the ball all up in Bayern's D for all but one short possession. Munich can't turn it over in their own half, but they are doing well with the counter attacks.

10 min- This year's Champion's League tourny has had a lot in common with the 2010 NCAA tournament. Inter is Duke. Real Madrid and Barcelona were Kansas and Syracuse. Bayern is Butler, everyone seems to have forgotten that they exist, but here they are.

12 min- Each team was given 21,000 tickets, and 33,000 were sold to the public. Each team got more tickets (and probably sold out in minutes) than the Pacers sold in 2009-2010, I think.

15 min- Bayern's players seem to spend a lot of time crying on the floor. Interesting strategy. We'll see how the temper tantrum game plan works out.

16 min- Maicon got away with a clever handball in the box. Cheating bastard...

18 min- Inter misses on two opportunities. Great save.

21 min- Something to keep an eye on- the tightness of Bayern's shirts. It's like they only brought child's extra smalls. I know the "tight tee" is fashionable or whatever, but Milan is the fashion capitol of the world, not Munich.

23 min- Arjen Robben had the first really good chance for the Germans, but crapped the bed and lofted it about a mile too high.

26 min- For the most part, teams in the Italian league are comprised of, shockingly, Italians. Not Inter. Maybe their whole name, Internazionale, has something to do with it. They are the most diverse team in Serie A, and the most talented. They won the Serie A this year.

27 min- It's getting a little chippy our there in Spain. No bookings yet, but quite a few fouls.

29 min- It doesn't seem like it, but Bayern is leading the possession battle 63% to 37%.

33 min- Inter seems to be going with the "eyes closed, kick hard" approach once they get in the box. Interesting.

35 min- GOAL!!!!! DIEGO MILITO!!!!!!!! THE INTER FANS ARE CHANTING SOMETHING I DON'T UNDERSTAND BUT I DON'T CARE!!!!

37 min- Noticeably absent from this game- United States influence. No American players. No American announcers. The venue is in Madrid. I'm surprised we are allowed to even watch it.

42 min- I just went to put a pizza in. I'm 77% sure nothing very exciting happened.

43 min- Wesley Sneijder had an easy goal, but decided to kick it right at the keeper. Not a good shot, but a great setup play.

45 min- Bayern keeps wasting possessions. They have the ball in Inter's half, but throw up some junky shots.

45+ min- I'm not sure what a junky shot is, but it's not good.

That's the half. Now the best part. Sweet ass soccer and World Cup commercials. My boy Tyler was especially impressed with this one:

I personally like the anti-Wayne Rooney part, but Tyler is all about England, so I'm expecting an angry text.

46 min- Second half is underway, but I have to take a 10 minute break. If something awesome happens, pretend it didn't until I get back. And before I can leave Bayerns tries to score the fastest goal ever. Nice stop by the world's best keeper.

49 min- I'm not going anywhere. Forget responsibility. These teams both seem fired up and I'm not missing a second.

53 min- Free kick right outside the box for Inter. It's definitely a goal opportunity.

54 min- It goes over the goal. Let down.

55 min- Bayern gets a steal in Inter's box, but the shot goes wide left. Solid opportunity, but they dropped the ball.

58 min- Martin Tyler and Andy Gray are, in my opinion, doing a great job. Unlike American announcers, they don't say too much. They're doing a nice job of letting the game speak for itself. They understand that we're watching too, and don't need a play by play.

62 min- Tyler observed that this game is on network tv. I think the fact that this game is on Fox is a big step for soccer in America. From ESPN2 one year, to Fox the next, its quite the switch.

63 min- Robben has a free kick right outside the side of the box. The 2006 Golden Boot winner from the World Cup, Miroslav Klose, has entered. The free kick led to some strange bounces in the box, but nothing really in the realm of a goal.

66 min- Julio Cesar shows Arjen Robben why he's the best goalie in the world.

67 min- They just showed the Inter bench analyzing still photos of the game. Who do they think they are? Peyton?

70 min- Is it just me, or does it seem like Bayern has adopted the Lakers' 4th quarter mentality, where Arjen Robben takes every shot, a la Kobe?

71 min- GOAL!!!!!!!!!!! ALBERTO DIEGO MILITO!!!!!!!!!!! #2!!!!!!!! JUST EMBARASSES THE DEFENSE!!!!!!!

72 min- Upon further review: that Milito crossover was damn near Allen Iversonesque.

77 min- You would think Bayern would show a little bit more urgency than this. There is nothing wait for. This is the last game of the season.

79 min- Bayern's van Bommel gets a bogus yellow card. Not a good call there, sir.

81 min- People make a big deal out of possession, but this game shows that it doesn't mean jack. Bayern leads the possession battle 65% to 35%. But Inter has these 2 little things called goals.

86 min- I said before the game the Internazionale is the best team in the world, and has been all season. I'm not gonna say I'm a genius, but you can.

90 min- I've said it on this here blog before, it doesn't matter how good your lineup is on paper if you don't play top notch competition every week. Inter obviously has benefited from playing in the grueling Italian Serie A, whereas Bayern doesn't see the same constant quality in the Bundeliga.

90+ min- There's the long whistle. Stick a fork in it, this one's done. It was interesting for a while and we can only imagine how different this could've been if Bayern had their superstud Frank Ribery, but, alas he wasn't here. Inter proved they were the best team in Europe, and thus the plant Earth. For Martin Tyler and Andy Gray, I'm Miller, signing off.

Mandatory Pre-World Cup Post

2010-05-17T12:26:00.000-07:00

Growing up I hated soccer. For me it was basketball, baseball, football, track. I viewed soccer as the game with low scores that bored the crap out of me. I hated soccer because those soccer douches with their personalized Adidas travel team bags would purposely (according to us 11 year old baseballers) kick their balls onto our field. The soccer fields, in my view, just took up room that could have been used for batting cages or a few more little league fields. But that was when I was young and naive. That was before the 2006 World Cup opened my eyes to the world of "football".

I still hate American soccer. I love the United States team to death, but soccer here is a joke. It's going to sound cliche, but I love this sport because it's a world game. Not only does the whole world speak "futbol", but nations around the world have different, distinct styles of play. The English team will play a tough, bullish style. The Brazilians are prone to forgetting to play defense, but have the foot skills to make it work. The Italians are really good at falling down. The French have perfected the art of the header. Spain has some tricky midfield play that sets up deadly strikers. And the United States uses big, clumsy defenders that foul a lot and employs very poor attackers. GO US!

All these different ways of playing the same game is what will make the World Cup amazing. When two teams with differing styles of play collide, we're the ones who get a treat. Another reason World Cup soccer is awesomer than most worldwide sporting tournaments is because of the prime leagues around the world. In basketball, baseball, and football the best leagues and players all live and play in the United States. In soccer you can argue that any of 5 leagues (England, Spain, Italy, France, or Germany) are the best. And many more leagues boast superstar individuals. This plethora of leagues is important because, unlike in American dominated sports, we get to see people play against people they don't usually play. In Olympic basketball, we'll see matchups like Dirk v. LeBron, but we see that stuff all the time. In the World Cup we could see Lionel Messi v. Wayne Rooney, the 2 best players in the world, for the first time in a long time. This is because Rooney plays in England for bloody ManU and Messi in Spain for the glorious Barcelona. We'll get to see stars from French Ligue 1 play against stars from the Italian Serie A. It's gonna be great.

Speaking of superstars, international soccer is full of em. Everyone knows Lionel Messi, David Beckham (I know he's not on the team), Christiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Ronaldinho, Drogba, etc... But I'm going to try to give you a few names from the top contenders, so when you're watching with your pals next month, you can look like a genius. There's too many amazing players to list them all, so I'll stick to some that you could possibly see in the final.

Carlos Tevez, Argentina- Currently tearing it up for Manchester City, this little guy is strong. He's very crafty in the box and gets off shots that most people couldn't.

Franck Ribery, France- People wonder how a man who's a whopping 5'7" and 137 lbs. can do what he does. He's an attacking midfielder who uses his strengths wisely. If you're itty bitty, you're not going to muscle your way in or head in a well placed cross. Ribery flies down the sideline and finishes once he creates space.

Rafael Van der Vaart & Arjen Robben, Netherlands- Van der Vaart isn't as popular as he should be because he's trapped on Real Madrid. When he gets in he shines, but it's sports business that if someone makes more money, the owners want them on the field. Van der Vaart will get plenty of time on this stacked Dutch squad. If you haven't seen Robben play yet, you're missing out. But you're in luck because his Bayern Munich team (sans Ribery who will be suspended) will play Inter in the Champion's League final. He did this on the way to the championship. Woah.

Luis Fabiano, Brazil- Now that Adriano, Ronaldinho, and Ronaldo are officially washed up, Fabiano gets a chance to shine. This guys the prototypical center forward. He has talented midfielders who will get him the ball in good spots, and he knows how to make the ball touch the net. It's what he does.

In this year's tournament there's two teams that, on paper, have more talent than the rest. Spain is basically stacked. No position do they not boast someone who could be arguably top 3 in the world. Brazil is Brazil. They're fast, they're shifty, they can put up 6 goals against anyone. Remember this game? The U.S. knows what's up. Brazil's downfall is their collective ADD and mental lapses on defense, which can cost them.

I'm not saying that Spain or Brazil will win. A bunch of other teams are in the hunt. The Netherlands have some stupendous footballers that play for excellent clubs around the world, not to mention sweet names. The Azzuri of Italy are the returning champs and they weren't really favorites last time either. The French team can string together a few wins if they get the right matchups. No African team is deep enough to win the whole tourny, but some teams boast individual superstuds that can get hot and knock off one of the big boys. Germany just lost Michael Ballack, which will hurt, but they still have a very deep team. Two teams that will not have a chance will be playing in the most watched match of the group stage. The USA and England have no chance. I'm just sayin. The US for obvious reasons will not win (lack of soccer talent). England will lose because everyone on their roster plays in English Premier League. I just have a feeling that the lack of worldly experience will be problematic.

I personally think the Netherlands will put it all together and win the whole thing. Robin van Persie is my boy and is one of the best strikers in the world. I'm predicting him to get the Golden Boot (tournament's leading scorer). I'll probably be wrong and England will somehow win and Wayne Rooney will get the Golden Boot. God I hate soccer!

I'm Just Sayin...

2010-05-05T22:33:00.000-07:00

It seems like I only get on here late at night. Anyway, it's 1:30 am, and I was on my own favorite blog site, deadspin.com, and I saw this.

I have found more proof that the New England Patriots are just a bunch of douche bags.

Tom Brady can't even put away his dickheadedness (new word) long enough to get kids healthy. Prick.

Oh and Philly cops are pricks too.

Time to Play Catch Up

2010-04-26T17:13:00.000-07:00

I was just browsing the interweb in my American Politics class looking for something to write about and it dawned on me that there's just too much going on right now. April always brings tons of excitement to the sporting world, but I'm just one man and cannot cover it all (I have a life). The staff of this here blog is all of one, so I can't be expected to make a witty comments on EVERYTHING.

But today is different my friend. Instead of writing a really long post, I'm going to cover just the big things. What we're gonna do here is give a little bit about a lot. I'll give links to "better", "professional" stories and columns. If you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, you'll be able to click the link and freshen up, then come back here and see how I feel. Alrighty folks, let's do this. And if there's something else going on that I forgot, let me know and I'll probably at least think about writing about it.

Ben Roesthlisberger- If you haven't heard about Ben Roethlisberger's most recent screw up, here's the police report. I'll summarize, Big Ben once again got accused by a young lady for sexual assault. Once again there was insufficient evidence to put him in any real trouble, but this time Roger Goodell suspended him anyway. Some people are arguing that he's never actually officially broken the law. I don't care. Big Ben is getting a 6 game ban basically for being a douche bag. First off, what's an old man doing hanging out at college bars in Georgia? I mean, you're a pro athlete. Get some coke and a hooker and keep it legal like everyone else. You don't need to go around raping innocently, blacked out 19 year olds. Prick. Obviously, I don't think Ben's innocent. I don't want to get too graphic, seeing as this is a PG-13 blog, but he did some vulgar things to that girl, whether it was forced or not. I say we lift the suspension, castrate him, and let it be.

NFL Draft- With the first overall pick, the St. Louis Rams select: A QB that, in 2009, played in ONE GAME in which his shoulder didn't fall off. Yeah, yeah, yeah he got a Heisman a couple years ago, but Tim Tebow won like 8 Heismans and 4 national championships. Call me old fashioned, or under informed, but I like my football players to, you know, play football. Other than that little bit, nothing stood out to me as exciting. The Colts drafted a good linebacker, so that's cool. According to ESPN, the Seahawks, Ravens, and 49ers had good drafts, and the Colts, Jags, and G-Men may have dropped the ball. Sadly, I didn't watch enough Idaho football to tell you how good OG Mike Iupati really is. I guess we'll just have to watch and see.

MLB- If I were to tell you a month ago that Kelly Johnson would lead the league in OPS with a week left in April, you would have... well I don't know what you would've done, but it wouldn't have been trust me. It's been a funny season. Ivan Rodriguez and Martin Prado are 1-2 in AVG and Mark Teixeira is last. Tampa Bay has the best record in baseball. The Dodgers are tied for last in their division, which is led by San Diego. Boston is already 6 games back. Mike Pelfrey is 4-0 with a 0.69 ERA. It's ok if you haven't heard of some of these people. Hopefully people are paying attention because it's gonna really grind my gears when Manny Ramirez inevitably gets voted to start the All-Star game.

NBA Playoffs- Coming into the playoffs all we could hear about were the Lakers and Cavs, again. Well, it looks like LeBron has got everything working. He threw down a triple double last night like it was nothing. Kobe, on the other hand, is being torn up by Kevin Durant. Currently LA and OKC are knotted up at 2 games apiece. In the West, the #2 seed Mavs are about to get eliminated by the #7 Spurs and Naptown native George Hill. Basically, the superstars are playing like superstars. LeBron, DWade, and Carmelo are 1-2-3 in scoring. Dwight Howard's defense is up 3-0. Outside of a handful of series, this first round hasn't been spectacular.

This Happened-

Lefty- Phil Mickelson won the Masters. That was number three for Lefty. This year I was kind of busy for the Masters. All I know is that I was pulling for Tiger Woods. I know he cheated and was addicted to sex and ran a dog fighting ring blah, blah, blah... I like seeing Tiger win. It's not everyday that we get to see someone who is the best ever at what he does. If Tiger would've won, we'd be telling our grand kids about it. "Well, sonny, I watched Tiger come back from those tragic, hard times and win the Masters. It was a thing of beauty. And you know back in 2010 we only had 2 dimensional television..." Wouldn't that conversation be awesome to have. Oh what could have been. But, no, Phil had to overcome his problems and be just "one of the greats". Weak...

Well I think that's most of the big stories of April. It's been a good month. Let's hope I don't wait another month to think of something to write about. Here's to being slightly less lazy. Cheers my friend

It's Five O'Clock Somewhere

2010-04-05T01:45:00.000-07:00

Well, loyal reader, it's 5 am, but I can't sleep. I'm currently chillin on my couch in my underwear, relaxing in my snuggie (which, I maintain, is the best invention of the last 5 years). As I've been perusing the interweb, trying to find something sports related to write about, it dawned on me- I can write about my hometown and it's sport culture.

I'm from the capitol of the great state of Indiana, Indianapolis, and these days I couldn't be prouder. If you're a sports fan, there aren't many better places to call home. From basketball to auto racing, Indiana has it all. Our pro teams are great, we've got enviable college sports tradition, and we've got some great "hometown heroes". Not to mention we get to host everything that's awesome. Alrighty then, let's break this down.

We'll start things off with basketball. Everyone and their mom knows that Indiana is nuts for basketball. Every Hoosier boy gets a little basketball goal the second they can walk, and they hit their first free throw before they're out of diapers. How could we not love the game of basketball? From high school to the pros, we have someone to look up to. The movie Hoosiers was inspired the improbable run of the Milan boys to a state title in 1954. Despite having only 161 kids at the school, they managed to beat the big boys and Bobby Plump led Milan to the ship. Often overlooked during their title run is who they beat. In the Semi-State championship, Milan beat Oscar Robertson and Crispus Attucks. Not bad considering Robertson would go on the be one of the greatest human beings to touch a basketball.

The high school tradition might be enough for lesser states like Kentucky (the only thing they like more than basketball is incest), but we Hoosiers step it up in college, too. In about 16 hours the Butler Bulldogs out of Indianapolis will be playing for the NCAA championship against the Dick Devils of Duke. Every year Butler has a solid team, and they are one of the up and coming programs in college basketball. The Indiana University Hoosiers aren't too shabby in the history department themselves. You ever heard of "The General" Bob Knight? Only the winningest men's basketball coach in the world. Guess who the last team to have an undefeated season was.... Yuppers, the Hoosiers. 5 championships and 8 Final Four's isn't bad. Purdue, while not as rich with tradition was a favorite to win the championship this year before a tragic injury to star Robbie Hummel. All in all, I think we can hold our own when it comes to NCAA basketball.

In the NBA we're represented by the Indiana Pacers. Now, don't start making fun because the Pacers hold a dear spot in my heart. I don't typically open up to strangers, but I'm gonna let you in for a second. My dad (that's Mr. Miller to you), who died when I was 8, was the biggest Pacer fan I've ever seen. We had season tickets, and some of the best memories I have are of me falling asleep in Market Square Arena, and him waking me up for the exciting parts at the end. Sometimes, he'd even let me use the binoculars and I'd pretend I was the camera man, trying to stay on the ball. It saddens me that he didn't get to see Reggie play in the finals in 2000, but I got to go to one of those games, and that was the best sporting moment of my life. The Pacers may be a joke now, but that was my team in the 90's and we'll always have these:

(I was at that one)

Everyone knows of our basketball, but we're kind of a big deal when it comes to cars, too. The Indy 500, you may have heard of it, is only the greatest spectacle in racing. Each year over 250,000 people congregate at the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, to watch 200 laps of pure awesome. Whether or not you follow open wheel racing, this thing just makes you happy. I can't say whether or not anyone outside of Indy actually cares, but they seem to be excited on SportsCenter, so I'm gonna roll with it. If you've never been to the Indy 500 or the Brickyard 400 (NASCAR fans are a breed of their own), then you've been missing out. Don't get me wrong, we love the race, these races are really just an excuse for us Hoosiers to drink beer in large groups. An example:

Indianapolis is finally being recognized around the sports world for the awesome place that it is. As I speak, the Final Four is only miles away. This year is doubly sweet because Butler's in it. We'll get the same doubly awesomeness in a couple years when the Colts play in the Super Bowl... in Indianapolis. The Big Ten tourney is here every other year. This year we hosted the famous MLB Winter Meetings. The NFL scouting combine is here every year. We hosted the USATF National Championships twice a couple years ago. Disney on Ice puts on a great show every year. And I heard a rumor about the 2015 World Series, or something like that. I dunno, I'm not big time around here.

Here's a pretty comprehensive list of famous Hoosier athletes. That list leaves off a few. We also can't forget all the current Hoosiers. Rex Grossman, Adam Lind, Scott Rolen, Eric Gordon, Greg Oden, Courtney Lee, George Hill, me, Yao Ming. You name it, we bred it.

I've saved the best for last. Here in Indy, we boast a football team called the Indianapolis Colts, led by a guy named Peyton Manning. You've probably heard of him. In the past 10 years no professional football team has won more games (suck on that Tom Brady) than the Colts. It's pretty nice knowing you are well represented in the most popular league in the USA. No sport has a bigger following than football, which means that a whole helluva lotta people get to watch the Colts stomp their favorite team year in and year out. The Colts are the pride and joy of Indianapolis, and I can't think of a better way I'd like to be represented.

Final Four Live Blog

2010-04-03T14:42:00.000-07:00

Hey there! I may not have friends, but I have a laptop and beer, so I'm spending this Saturday evening live blogging these games. I'm going to try to update every couple minutes or so. This is only my second live blog thing, so you're gonna have to be lenient when this thing ends up being awful.

I'm in Indianapolis, but I'm also broke, so I'll be blogging from about 5 miles away from The Lube (what I call Lucas Oil Stadium). I'm going to be watching the same tv broadcast you are, don't get mad at me if I can't offer any insight. Without further ado, let's get this show on the road, bring me a Blue Moon!

5:51- The players are heading to the floor. Michigan State looks more intimidating. Announcers just voted unanimously for MSU to win. Dicks.

5:55- Gordon Hayward was the only white guy included in the montage about "This is what it's all about." He also was the only one to smile when he said it. Not cool man.

5:59- Clark Kellogg bust read my blog. That graphic just straight up stole my hard work. CBS is going to hear from me.

6:03- I love keys to the game. Mostly because it's so half-assed. You think we didn't know that turning the ball over less, and playing good defense were keys to winning. I refuse to believe that's the best information Clark can provide.

6:06- So Gordon Hayward is 6'9". Who knew?

6:07- The MSU starting 5 was quick to point out that they've never lost in Indy. How do you gameplan against something like that? Butler's done.

6:11- Tip off goes to MSU, first sign of superior athleticism. 3 pointer. Damn.

6:12- Remember what I said about the importance of senior point guards, and how Lucas' injury would hurt MSU? I was wrong.

6:15- There are empty seats. I need a job.

6:17- Clark calls Zach Hahn Butler's allen wrench, then offered no further information. OK....

6:21- Lot of fouls being called. Could make for a long game.

6:23- Matt Howard is back and ready to foul.

6:24- Told ya.

6:28- I don't think anyone on the Bulldogs can grow a beard. Neither can I, really, but I'm not on tv.

6:33- Raymar Morgan just picked up his third foul. That's rough.

6:38- CBS just made us watch Butler's possession with a really strange angle. It was trippy. On a side note- MSU leads by 2.

6:41- At this point Mack and Hayward have 19 of Butler's 20 points, while MSU is getting crazy production from their bench. Someone's going to have to step up for Butler.

6:42- I made that last post before Jim said the exact same thing. Just sayin.

6:45- Butler's running a lot, and Michigan State is playing the tight D. Hmm..

6:50- Video footage of Clark and Barack Obama ballin it up on the White House court. Stay tuned at the half!

6:52- Nasty pass from Lucious forces Butler to take a timeout. MSU up 5.

6:59- Whodathunk that Draymond Green would be the most influential person in this game?

7:00- Clark just referred to fouling out as being "Dairy Queened". Ya know, dq, disqualified. Nice one Clark.

7:02- Just like everyone predicted, it's a tie game, and they're on pace to be under 60 points each. This should be fun.

7:15- So, here's what we know from halftime: Hayward is nasty, MSU is deep and athletic, these teams are evenly matched, and Obama's a shit talker. There, now you're caught up. Let's finish this thing up.

7:25- Lucious really has done an outstanding job. He was supposed to be the weak link on the MSU squad, but that's not the case thus far.

7:28- With lead changes every time down the court, I can only imagine what Gus Johnson would be doing. I think he would be liable to have a heart attack by the end of this one.

7:31- Despite looking like a porn star, I bet Matt Howard is a virgin.

7:35- I'm tired of the Master's already. Get ready for a post next week about that.

7:37- I want Butler to win, but some of these fouls are kind of funny. MSU's guys are just stronger. The little Butler men just go flying when they get hit.

7:40- Free throw shooting is important in an NCAA tourney game? No way.

7:42- Raymar Morgan picks up his fourth. No bueno, Sparty.

7:46- Butler's up 5 with 11 minutes remaining.

7:48- Shelvin Mack is on the bench with the dreaded "double thigh spasm." On the bright side, he gets a special cream massage, which should be enjoyable.

7:50- The Spartans have assists on 11 of 16 fg's. That's pretty good.

7:53- MSU just needs King Leonidas to give an inspirational speech. "Spartans, what is your profession?" HAA OOH! HAA OOH! HAA OOH!

7:58- Butler's doing a great job taking possessions deep into the shot clock.

8:00- Butler is up 5 with just under 8 to play. Butler is shooting 35% and Michigan State is firing at 47%, but still losing. Gotta hit your free throws kids.

8:04- Somehow Butler is building on their lead, but they aren't making shots. It's funny to watch because they never score, but you look down and think "Oh, they're up 6. Whodathunk?"

8:07- I think Butler is purposely missing these shots. Second half fouls: Dawgs- 4 Sparticus- 10.

8:08- Hayward just made Morgan his bitch. Morgan threw a strong shoulder into Hayward's chest to create space. Hayward didn't back down and blocked the shot. Well done.

8:09- I love the Kid Cudi vitamin water commercials. Just sayin.

8:12- Clark thinks Butler needs to shoot earlier in the shot clock. I don't think so. If you're going to miss 9 shots in a row, at least run some clock before you miss.

8:17- Still no made baskets. Each team has 3 points in the last 8 minutes. Awesome...

8:18- Finally a made shot. Hayward (of course) gets an easy layup after Vanzant makes a great play.

8:21- Jim Nantz finally shows some excitement about a tie game... too bad it was still a 1 point lead for Butler.

8:22- Michigan State ball. Butler up 1 with 23 to play. Commercial break. I'm excited.

8:24- Green takes a horrible shot, and Nored snags it out of the air. Butler's going to the line. Izzo wanted a foul, but there was nothing to call. Good D by Hayward.

8:25- Nored makes the first, right after Jim says he's 3/12 in the tourney. Nored drains the second.

8:26- Delay because Tom Izzo won't shut the hell up. Draymond Green grabs Tommy boy and holds him back. Exciting.

8:27- TV replay just continues to make Tom Izzo look bad. 3 point game. Who takes it?

8:29- Butler chooses to foul. Probably a good decision. Very well done.

8:29- Lucious' purposeful miss isn't put back and BUTLER IS GOING TO THE SHIP!!!!

Well folks, this has been fun, but it's a lot of work and I'm just going to enjoy the next game. But before I go, I have to say-- I picked Butler two days ago. Just sayin...

The Twenty Ten Final Four

2010-03-31T19:48:00.000-07:00

Oh my goodness can you believe how crazy this is? Did you hear?!?! Butler and Michigan State are headed to the big dance in Naptown. OMG!!!!

That's how I would have reacted if I were the least bit surprised. I bet you just said something about how "that's an easy claim to make afterward" or "hindsight's 20/20". Well, Mr. Skeptic, I just so happen to have West Virginia, Duke, and Butler in the Final Four on my espn.com bracket. So ha! And Michigan State goes to this thing every year, so whose really surprised there? I had them losing to Georgetown in the Elite Eight (I swear Georgetown doesn't suck. I swear.). Basically, Tom Izzo just wins games he's supposed to win. Check MSU's schedule. They only lost games they were supposed to lose. They have no "surprising" losses. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that nobody should really be too bewildered or astonished by this turnout.

If someone had picked this Final Four before the season, nobody would have been that surprised. These team's preseason rankings were 2, 8, 9, and 11. That's not too outrageous, is it? By the way, that's MSU, WVU, Duke, and the Bulldogs of Butler University, in that order.

Now that we've established that I'm 75% genius, and that you may have been better off picking a Final Four in November, let's gander at what we're about to see.

Butler vs Michigan State
Both 5 seeds. Final rankings- Butler 11, MSU 13. It's gonna be a great game. Butler has been killin it on D this tourney, and have held opponents to under 60 points in 11 of their last 12 games, including every tournament game. The Bulldogs have won 24 games in a row. They also have Gordon Hayward (who knocked my high school's basketball team out of the state tournament on his way to a state championship his senior year). Hayward doesn't look like it, but he's got just about every skill you'd want in a basketball player. So, that's Butler.

Like I said, Michigan State just wins. They've won 4 games by a combined 13 points in this tournament. They could have been beaten by one basket three times. But they just win. They can win a defensive battle. They can win a game in the 80's. Whatever they have to do, they do. I don't think they've played a defense like Butler's yet in this tourney, but they have the guys to compete with it. MSU is banged up, which might be a problem. They could be missing a veteran point guard, which is essential, especially in a tight, NCAA tournament game.
The injuries and Butler's D prevail 68-61.

West Virginia vs DukeThis is a matchup that may have been easily foreseen. People have had Duke penciled in here since the third day of the tournament, when Villanova ran into the buzzsaw that is St. Mary's. Duke is the only #1 seed to advance this far, which doesn't happen too often. Duke decided to play very well right when they needed to, winning 16 out of their last 17, and the only loss being AT Maryland. Duke is so hard to stop because they can beat you with anyone. Singler, Scheyer, and Smith all average over 17 points a game. Chances are one of them is going to get hot on any given night. Good luck trying to stop all three.

West Virginia has one advantage over Duke. They had to go through the hell hole that is the Big East. In the Big East you never know what you're gonna get. You could play one team that likes to run, and both be in the 90's, then two days later be in a defensive struggle and win 59-58. The Big East just messes with your mind, but prepares you for the grind of March Madness. I know the Big East did very poorly in this tournament, but I firmly believe anyone on WVU will say they benefited from the insanity of a Big East schedule. Riding a 10 game win streak, and a Big East tourney victory, Da'Sean Butler, Devin Ebanks, and Co. should pose as a pretty formidable opponent for the Blue Devils.

In sticking with my ESPN bracket the Blue Devils gotta go on 76-69.

Championship- I've got the Blue Devils from Dukeville North Carolina triumphantly conquering the Georgetown Hoyas. Seriously though, Duke's gonna beat Butler 74-60.

MLB Preview Numero Dos

2010-03-11T06:12:00.000-08:00

In case you missed it, I gave a little insight into the NL yesterday. On this glorious Thursday, I'm going to give you, the lucky reader, a little info on the American League. First, let me say that this is going to be a little bit more difficult than the NL. When you throw in the designated hitter (which my friend Tyler says is the downfall of western civilization), it just makes predicting things all sorts of crazy. But, alas, it must be done. Let's get er done:

AL Central

Minnesota Twins
Last year the Twinkies got into the playoffs by sucking one game less than the Tigers. They had the lowest run differential of any playoff team. I guess what I'm getting at is that they weren't really that good. Coming into Spring Training, the Twins looked like a legit playoff contender. They have Justin Morneau and Joe Mauer, both of whom have MVP awards. They have a decent pitching staff with Scott Baker and Kevin Slowey. I also hear good things about the return of ex-phenom Francisco (that's fun to say) Liriano. Minnesota can also lay claim to the best closer over the last 5 years. What? Joe Nathan is done for the year because of a torn elbow ligament? Nevermind, they're sunk. 84 wins.

Detroit Tigers
The pussy cats were a win away from the postseason in 09. This year they might just be able to be the least bad in the Central. Miguel Cabrera is going to hit. We know that. Dude's 26 and has a .311 career avg and a .925 career OPS (that's nasty). The questions pop up after him. Johnny Damon, Carlos Guillen, Magglio Ordonez, and Brandon Inge will all need to step up. They, like the Brewski's role players, have all had great seasons and if they can put it all together, watch out. Pitching in Detroit is a mystery. Justin Verlander is a durable, premier starter. After him, there's a lot of potential, but nobody to write home about. Max Scherzer has crazy potential, and Joel Zumaya can throw about 150 mph (but he hurt himself playing video games). The Tigers lost a lot of guys from last year, though, which will hurt them. 86 wins.

Kansas City Royals
Yesterday I said that nobody can lose quite like the Nationals. I was wrong. The Royals lose as well as anyone. Only once in the last 16 years have they finished over .500 (and that was only by 2 games) Last season they scrapped together 65 wins. On the bright side they have the defending Cy Young winner in Zack Grienke. I guess they could win every 5 days, but that's not very good. They don't seem to have any humans who can hit the ball. Alberto Callaspo (pronounced Cai-ass-po) has a great name. Joakim Soria is a great closer, too bad they never have a lead. The 2010 Royals will again show us the art of losing. 67 wins.

Chicago White Sox
The south siders finished third in the division last year, but this year will be different. I ripped them during the trade deadline last year, but now I'm going to eat my words. They have a super speedy lineup, and should be stealing bases like it's their job (which it is). Juan Pierre, Alexei Ramirez, and Alex Rios can all snag a bag. But don't think they're just a bunt and run team. Carlos Quentin, Gordon Beckham, and Andruw Jones' remains can all smash a ball on occasion. The pitching staff is pretty good too. Mark Buehrle and Jake Peavy are bonafide studs. Peavy missed most of last season, but if he can come back healthy, and adjust to the AL, he'll provide a much needed #2. Buehrle pitched a perfect game last year, nuff said. Not to mention Bobby Jenks closing things down. Chalk up the Central to the ChiSox. 88 wins.

Cleveland Indians
Oh how the mighty have fallen. Remember 2007, when they had 3-1 lead in the ALCS? Remember 2009 when they won 65 games? Phew, quite the awful turnaround. 2010 should be another big turnaround. If you look at this lineup, you see a team that's going to put up some runs. You know those guys on your little league team who were just better than everyone else. Your standing in right field playing with dandelions and thinking of snow cones and SuperStud is robbing homeruns at age 7. That's Grady Sizemore. Not to mention Shin-Soo Choo is uber consistent, and Russell Branyan can hit a ball about 13 miles. The thing weighing them down is the pitchers. If you can't get people out, they aren't going to be very good. 78 wins.

AL East

Toronto Blue Jays
Don't be misled by their weak 75 wins in 09. Their pythag had them at 84, which is good. The B Jays can hit the ball. Aaron Hill, Adam Lind, and Vernon Wells all have All Star potential. What brings the Jays down is who they play against. How can they succeed when they have to play the Yanks, Sawx, and Rays about 55 times a year. They were 20 games under .500 against the East and 12 games over .500 against the rest of the AL. This year won't be much different. Toronto can hit the ball, but the pitching staff is full of unproven potential. Look for them to tease us through May and fall off later. 73 wins.

Baltimore Orioles
I've always liked the O's because Baltimore is a great city, I sorta have a thing for oragne and black, and I like to say "Baltimorioles". As far as baseball goes, they seem to have the biggest case "CantbeattheYanksandSox-itis". 2010 will be better than 09, for sure. The O's have one of the youngest teams, with some outstanding potential. Nick Markakis is starting to prove himself. Adam Jones had a semi-breakout season in 09 and Matt Weiters is one of the top 3 or 4 non-pitching prospects in the world. They did pick up Garrett Atkins, which gives some veteran help. Brian Roberts is a perennial All Star, and Miguel Tejada used to be good. The youngsters are still a few years away from contending and they don't have a single good pitcher that's big league ready. Too bad. 66 wins.

Boston Red Sox
I've been dreading this part of the preview. I don't think it's a secret that I really hate the Red Sox. They're up there with the Patriots, Manchester United, and DePauw University. Give me a minute, I need to count to ten... OK, let's do this. Obviously the Sawx are going to be good. It must be nice to expect a World Series every year. I look at this team and they are stacked. Check out these names: Martinez, Pedroia, Youkilis, Drew, Ortiz, Ellsbury, Beltre. Wuhtduhbwah? Too good. Their worst position player, Mike Cameron, happens to be one of the best fielders in the game. Not to mention the pitching staff, which has 5 starters who could all win 15 games in any given year. AND they have Papelbon, who just screams douche bag, shutting things down. I hate these guys. 98 wins.

New York Yankees
You know how I hate the Sawx? Well, I hate the Yonkers too, especially after they won the ship last year. Oh, and they got better. They added Curtis Granderson, filling the only weak spot in the outfield. ARod finally got the gorilla off his back and should be able to play stress free, which is scary. I think Derek Jeter is almost done dating every hot girl in the world. Maybe he'll learn to play defense now. Marky Mark Teixeira is one of the best 1B in the Bigs. CC Sabathia and A.J. Burnett are easily the best combo of pitchers with 2-letter names. And Mo Rivera is a model of what a closer should be. This version of the Yanks is good, but not better than the BoSox. 96 wins.

Tampa Bay Rays
The Rays used to be the butt of every MLB joke. Not anymore. They have a great lineup with Ben Zobrist, Jason Bartlett, Carlos Pena, and Evan Longoria being possibly the best infield combo in the MLB. Carl Crawford and BJ Upton can fly in the outfield. Pat Burrell finally got out of the NL last year and should be a great DH. The rotation is pretty good too. Every guy, from 1 to 5, is above average. What the Rays have going for them is a genius front office. They sucked so bad for so long, they have prospects for days. What they have going against them is the Yanks and the Roid Sox. Unless Fenway explodes or Madonna chops off ARod's right hand, they can't make the playoffs. 89 wins.

AL West

Anaheim Angels
You know how much I hate the Sox? The Angels are just this much below that. I'm not gonna lie, it's because they are really good every year. But not this year! Hooray! At one point in 09, every starter was hitting at least .300. What?!?! This year they'll be without their ace John Lackey, the remains of Vlad, and hustle machine Chone (pronounced Sean) Figgins. Jared Weaver showed a lot of promise after 16 wins in 09, and they bring in Scott Kazmir who has had quite the roller coaster of a career. Torii Hunter got hurt last season, but was having a great year, so we'll see how he rebounds after surgery. Howie Kendrick and Kendry Morales had breakout seasons last year, and if they can recreate, this team might be fine. This isn't a 97 win team, but Mike Scioscia will figure it out. 84 wins.

Oakland Athletics
Last year the A's put out a lineup everyday that intimidated absolutely nobody. You know what they did to remedy this for 2010? Nothing. I'm going to throw out four names, and you must decide which ones are my personal friends and which are pro baseball players- Kevin Kusmer, Kevin Kouzmanoff, Cliff Pennington, John Pennington. This should not be a game you can play with guys earning millions of dollars to be celebrities. Sadly, two of those guys are going to start in Oakland. The A's do have a couple good pitchers. Ben Sheets started the All Star game only two years ago, and Justin Duchscherer had 2.54 ERA in 08 before getting hurt. Oh yeah, neither played last year. When a team's two best players didn't play the year before, you aren't going to be good. 64 wins.

Texas Rangers
Many people are pegging the Rangers as the team to beat in the West, and for good reason. They added Valdimir Guerrero, who can still hit and will fit nicely at DH. Nelson Cruz seemed to hit a homerun or strikeout every time he stepped up to the plate. Ian Kinsler is arguably the best 2B in the AL. 1B Chris Davis can supposedly hit the ball really really far, but has yet to put it all together and potential doesn't score runs. Elvis Andrus is one of the best up and coming SS in the league. Josh Hamilton was hurt last year, but in 08 he showed that he can live up to the hype of being able to do anything on a baseball field and if he can continue to produce, they will be good. Offense isn't usually the problem in Arlington, and they might have figured it out. Scott Feldman and Brandon McCarthy are getting better and Rich Harden has some stupid-good stuff. They all stay healthy and they can be dangerous. 89 wins.

Seattle Mariners
Saving the best for last. Ok, maybe not the best, but my favorite. I will try not to be biased, but for once I can say good things about the M's and not be lying through my teeth. Seattle has the best one-two punch in the Majors, hands down. Felix Hernandez will be the Cy Young, and Cliff Lee already has a Cy Young. Not to mention Erik Bedard who is oft injured, but can be superb. To succeed on the mound with the M's a pitcher doesn't need to a million strikeouts because this team is built to catch baseballs. Franklin Gutierrez is the best fielding CF and Ichiro has never not won the AL RF Gold Glove. Chone Figgins will be a key to the success of this team. He can play almost any IF position and can hit as well. Jack Wilson is a sure handed SS and Jose Lopez isn't that bad. It will be 1B by committee with Ryan Garko and Casey Kotchman. If Milton Bradley can play like he did in Texas (he led the AL in OBP in 08), the this will be a good team. If the M's can win the West, they have the perfect playoff team. 90 wins (one better than Texas).

Playoff Predictions
1. Boston Red Sox
2. Seattle Mariners
3. Chicago White Sox
WC. New York Yankees

Look, I'm Back!!! MLB Preview

2010-03-10T04:59:00.000-08:00

Phew, it's been a minute since The Miller Report has been updated. What can I say, world? I'm sorry. I never meant to leave you high and dry after my MLB Postseason preview. It was wrong of me and I apologize. But we can put the past behind us and start over new. Now that we've cleared that up, let's take a gander at the upcoming Major League Baseball campaign.

Although I've been blessed with a lucrative amount of free time this week, and pro baseball is one of my favorite things in the world (up there with my hat collection, beaches, cable TV, and Reggie Miller's belly button tattoo), it would be quite the task to do every team in one day. So I'll do the National League today, and the American League either tomorrow or Friday. Alright, let's do this like Burtus:

NL East

New York Metropolitans
The "other" New York team had a pretty awful season in 2009. After back-to-back September collapses in 07 & 08, they decided to save the drama and suck the whole time. What's confusing is when you look at their roster and payroll, then look at the record. This team should be really good, but managed to win 70 games last year, only 2 games short of the NBA record. They lost 90, which is 17 more losses than the NBA record. Many people will point to the fact that they had $88 million on the DL at one point last year, but like they say in Wedding Crashers "No Excuses, Play Like a Champion". 2010 will be different. David Wright should be back to normal after getting bonked on the dome by a 94 mph fastball. Jose Reyes will be back to stealing 60 bases. Johan Santana is still a top tier pitcher. Francisco "K-Rod" Rodriguez is one of the greater closers in the league. Did you hear they added super Canadian Jason Bay, eh? If this team can stay afloat for the first six weeks of the season, they'll get one of the best five tool players back in Carlos Beltran. I guess what I'm trying to say is that the Mets have the names to win, but will they actually do it? Doubt it-- 86 wins.

Atlanta Braves
Hotlanta was good last year, but should have been better. They won 86 games, but their pythag record (explained here) had them at 92 wins. This team is pretty legit. Yunel Escobar is one of the up and coming SS's in the league, Brian McCann is a great catcher, and Nate McLouth is an up and coming star. The starting rotation is very solid after adding Derek Lowe, and Billy Wagner is one of the few humans to have 3 or more seasons with 35 saves and an ERA under 2. Not to mention they've got this guy just chillin in the minors (by the way that ball went about 480 feet). If they were in another division they'd be contenders, but not in this one. 91 wins.

Washington Nationals
When it comes to being really, really bad nobody does it like the Nats. They only won 59 games last year (hey their pythag was 64!). When the only person on your roster that the "casual" fan has heard of is a 38 year old washed up catcher nicknamed "Pudge", you may not be doing it right. Ryan Zimmerman is a great 3B, and Adam Dunn can hit the snot out of the ball, but those two aren't going to make up for one of the worst pitching staffs I can find. At least they have the greatest pitching prospect... ever. Stephen Strasburg is going to be a super duper stud, but I don't see him winning 40 games, which is what it might take. This team blows. 68 wins.

Florida Marlins
It's always really hard to figure out what the Marlins are going to do. This team always comes into the season with low expectations and do better than they're supposed to. Last year, for example, they won 87 games (good) but should have won 82 (definition of average). They have one of the top 3 position players in the league (Hanley Ramirez) 2 very good starting pitchers (Josh Johnson and Ricky Nolasco) and some good young prospects (Cameron Maybin), but they still don't look good. I'm going to say they get 85 wins. They'll probably end up making me look stupid by winning either 90 games, or losing 90. Who knows?

Philadelphia Phillies
It's been good lately in the Illadelph. Back-to-back World Series appearances, including a championship, should be enough to make the people in the city of brotherly love content. But noooo, they had to go and get better. They added super ace Roy Halladay to a team with former MVP Ryan Howard, and all-stars Cole Hamels, Chase Utley, Shane Victorino. Not to mention RBI machine Raul Ibanez. It's a good thing I have a Phillies hat that still fits from middle school because come October, the Mariners hat hits the rack and I get to show people that I can support at least one good team. The Sillies will finish first with 101 wins.

NL Central

Chicago Cubs
First, let me get something off my chest. I hate the lovable losers. I despise the Cubs. There, I said it. I hate "Maybe next year". I hate living closer to Cincy and being surrounded by Cubs "fans". I hate the fact that they're "cursed". No they aren't cursed, they're inept. This team is always average to bad and this year won't change. They have overpaid players that don't produce. They have ex-players that claim they didn't feel safe standing in the outfield because of racism. They have Carlos Zambrano who can counted on for 16 wins, lots of strikeouts, and three Gatorade coolers destroyed. They'll be paying Alfonso Soriano roughly $18M to hit .250 with 25 HRs and 60 RBIs (and 10+ errors in the outfield). Other than the "Wrigley Field experience" there isn't much to look forward to here. 79 wins.

Houston Astros
Something has always confused me about the Stros. Why are they in the NL Central? I'm no expert, but I was the runner-up in the 7th grade geography bee, and I don't think Houston is close to the central part of America. Whatevs. Moving on... They won 74 games last year. This year they don't look great, but they should be better. Not much better, but better. Berkman and el Caballo (Carlos Lee) will produce runs, and Michael Bourn is really really fast. Roy Oswalt is, IMHO, still a good pitcher. They won't be in the playoff race, but they'll improve. 80 wins.

St. Louis Cardinals
The Cardinals are going to win this division. Albert Pujols is one of the greatest players of all time. When it comes to consistency and durability, Pujols is the man. Matt Holliday is one of the premier players in the league. They've got Colbly Rasmus burnin in the outfield. The pitching staff had two of the top Cy Young vote getters. Ryan Franklin, a chronic overachiever, somehow gets the job done in the bullpen. Chalk up the Central to the Cards. 92 wins.

Pittsburgh Pirates
Remember this? The Pirates have a plethora of prospects. That's just what happens when you always lose. It's a good thing to have a good farm system. It's not a good thing to have a god awful major league team. Outside of Andrew McCutchen there are very few bright spots here. The city of gold and onyx (see how I glorified the colors yellow and black?) can't be too upset. Their other teams are pretty good. They can go cheer for Syd the American hating Kid because the Buccos are not going to be good. 70 wins.

Milwaukee Brewers
The Beer Makers have the tools to be a very good team, but not a great team. They have two super duper hitters with Prince Fielder (Greatest baseball name ever?) and Ryan Braun. The have an ace with Yovani Gallardo and one of the best closers ever in Trevor Hoffman. The rest of the lineup is comprised of people with a few great seasons. The problem is that they never have good seasons at the same time. If this club can click at the same time, and another pitcher of two steps up, they could steal the division. I just don't see it happening. 87 wins.

Cincinnati Reds
The Reds, like Brewskis, are very interesting. You look at names like Joey Votto, Brandon Phillips, Scott Rolen, Jay Bruce, Wladimir Balentein, and Jonny Gomes and think "These guys+the Great American Small Park= a ton of dingers". While this may be true, they still have to outscore other teams and without a true ace, that could prove to be difficult. They do look like they have a decent bullpen, so if they can get a little lead into the 6th inning, they should be ok. I don't like them to win the division, but they could be a sleeper to be in the wildcard hunt in September. 84 wins.

NL West

San Diego Padres
It's no secret why the Pads were bad last year. They were only 2 runs away from being last in the NL in runs scored. They play in a park that heavily favors pitchers, but you aren't going to be good when you get outscored by 131 runs over 162 games. San Diego does have Adrian Gonzalez, who is possibly the most underrated player in the Bigs. Other than him, though, there isn't much to write home about. If they can muster a 1-Nil lead, Heath Bell is a superb closer. 2010 may not be "the year" for Whale's Vagina (Anchorman joke), but they shouldn't get any worse in the near future. 74 wins.

Colorado Rockies
The Rocks surprised some folks last year with 92 wins and a playoff appearance. What was most stunning about 09 in Denver was their complete turnaround. Under Clint Hurdle they went 18-28, good enough for him to lose his job. Under Jim Tracy they went 74-42, good enough to be awesome. Outside of the AL Central (which is an embarrassment we'll discuss tomorrow), Colorado had the lowest run differential of any playoff team. Troy Tulowitzki is the building block of this team. He provides outstanding defense and isn't bad with the wood in his hands (that's my one gay joke). Brad Hawpe is pretty good and Todd Helton, while not the same as 10 years ago, can still rake. What will make or break this club is the pitching staff. Some people say they are actually good, some say they overachieved. I think they're legit. Jiminez, Cook, and De la Rosa are all above average. Health was key last year, with 5 guys making 27+ starts. Screw it, I like em. 91 wins.

Los Angeles Dodgers
They led the NL with 95 wins last year, and their pythag had them at 100. That's good. The scary thing is what they could do this year. The Dodgers are still a young team that can get better. LA has, in my opinion, the best outfield in the bigs. ManRam (okay, 2 gay jokes) is one of the best pure hitters of all time, with or without the roids. Matt Kemp is an early MVP candidate and could get 30+ HRs, 100+ RBIs, and 40+ steals. And Andre Ethier was actually the best power hitter on the team last year. Clayton Kershaw is one of the most promising pitchers in the league. Chad Billingsley is already a top tier guy. The rotation is sick, not to mention Jonathon Broxton, who is a top 5 closer. And to top it all off they have Joe Torre in the dugout making decisions. The more and more I look at this lineup the more I think they''ll win. 108 wins, yeah I said it.

Arizona Diamondbacks
The D'Backs finished with 70 wins and last place in the West, but they are much better than that. What do the Diamondbacks have going for them? Well, almost everything. They proved they can score, and with such a young team, they should get better. Justin Upton, I think, is the best young player in the league. Look for this guy to get an MVP of two here soon. .899 OPS, 26 HR, 86 RBI, 20 SB. Oh yeah, he's only 22. Danny-boy Haren is a Cy Yound candidate every year. If Brandon Webb, who made one start last year, can come back and get into his old, 20+ win, Cy Young winner form, they should be fine. 86 wins.

San Francisco Giants
Everyone knows the Giants can pitch. Tiny Timmy Lincecum could easily win his third straight Cy Young... BY AGE 26!! The one thing stopping him could be his own teammate Matt Cain. Last year the Giants were respectable for the first time since Barry Bonds left. They can field and pitch, thus the fact they tied the Dodgers for least runs allowed in the NL. If only they could hit. They added Aubrey Huff, which should help, but not enough. And I don't think they can continue to get 88 win and score less that 660 runs. I just don't see the great season again. 82 wins.

Playoff Predictions
1. Los Angeles Dodgers
2. Philadelphia Phillies
3. St. Louis Cardinals
WC. Atlanta Braves win one game playoff

The Home Stretch

2009-09-03T07:45:00.001-07:00

Well folks, it's been a good season, but, as I like to say, "It just got real". We've entered September and baseball is winding down and heating up. There's about a month left and any team could snag a wild card or division title. Let's take a gander.

In the AL the Yankees are really the only team that can cruise into the playoffs. In the AL Central Detroit has a 4.5 game lead at the time of this "writing". That's a big cushion, but they have the lowest chance of making the playoffs among division leaders. They are at 74.2% chance of making the playoffs, compared to the next lowest at 81%. Minnesota's been coming on strong and has 6 games against Detroit this month and no other games against teams above .500. Detroit also employs Jarrod Washburn, thus they have no chance to make the big show.

In the AL West we see the Angels carrying a 3.5 game lead over the Texas Rangers. I don't know if you know, but I personally hate the Angels with a passion rivaled by my hatred for the Chargers, Red Sox, ManU, and Patriots. The Mariners have virtually no chance (woo 2010!), but the Rangers have finally put together a pitching staff that prevents copious amounts of homeruns in their home park. I can just see GM Jon Daniels having this epiphany, "I got it! We should try to stop other teams from scoring! Get me my telephone jeeves!" I'll be pulling for the Rangers, but, truthfully, the Angels are really good.

The wild card is the closest race in the AL. The Sawx (that's how they say it in Boston), don't have an easy schedule and 2.5 games can evaporate before you can say Yastrzemski.

The NL isn't quite as exciting because Philly is sporting a 7.5 game lead and the Cards have bent the rest of the Central over a chair. StL has a whopping 10.5 game lead (at least the Cubs won't make the playoffs... again). The Dodgers have a 4.5 game lead over the Rockies and 5.5 game lead over the Giants. Basically, the divisions are wrapped up here.

Just because the divisions are all but sealed doesn't mean there isn't any fun to be had. The NL Wildcard is tighter than... something that is tight. Oh I got it, budgets in today's economy. The NL Wildcard is tighter than budgets in today's economy. What an analogy! Moving on. The Rockies currently have a 1 game lead over the Giants. Neither team has an edge on the schedule difficulty, and they have one 3 game series against each other. The Giants win with a sick 1-2 punch in their pitching staff, and the Rockies hit baseballs to where men typically aren't standing. We'll see which strategy works out better.

I don't know who's going to come out on top, or who is going to make a run to the World Series, but I do know that it's gonna a great time watching this thing shake itself out.

Excitment is a Brewin

2009-08-29T08:48:00.000-07:00

Whether you consider yourself a big college football fan, or not, you should be very excited for the upcoming college football season. The 2009 season has everything you could want . We'll be treated to the best Heisman competition I can remember. We will be in awe of a team that got highest percentage of preseason first place votes, ever. But we will also be able to see a slew of upcoming programs that just might knock off one of the powerhouses. It should be a good time.

The 09 Heisman trophy is really up for grabs. There are 2 returning winners, Sam Bradford from Oklahoma and Jesu... Tim Tebow from Florida. Obviously these two super humans should be the favorites, but there are others trying to ruin history. Colt McCoy from Texas is probably the closest to surmounting the former winners. Bradford and McCoy will have an opportunity to play against each other at least once, and if it comes down to these two fellas, that game will mean a lot. But if Tebow plays like he did last year after their loss to Ol' Miss, it won't be a contest. After the loss he had 34 TDs and 4 turnovers to close out the season. Not bad.

Timmy also did this. Even though you've seen this a hundred times, try to not get goosebumps, try. The last minute is the important part.

Speaking of Tiny Tim, he plays for a team down in Gainesville that might end up being historically good. They won the championship last year and really shouldn't lose a game this year. They return 8 starters on offense, including the chosen one, which is a lot. But it's their defense that will be nasty. Florida brings back their TOP 22!! players on defense. That's 2 whole defensive starting lineups. They gonna be good.

Although Florida looks insurmountable, they will have some competition. Texas feels like they deserved to be in the championship last year and they should try to channel that desire into a great season. Oklahoma is another formidable team. The Sooners would like to remind everyone that they have the most recent Heisman leading their offense. And of course USC will lose a game on the road early in the conference season, end up 11-1 and wonder how they didn't get to the BCS Championship. That's about the only certain thing in college football these days. Oh and I'm certain there will tons of excitement. I can't wait.

Girls

2009-08-28T13:35:00.000-07:00

I found this video on deadspin, but it was so fantastic that I had to put it on here.

And they want to know why they aren't invited to watch the game.

AFC Preview

2009-08-19T12:58:00.000-07:00

Monday I put out my preview for the NFC. Today I'm gonna break down the AFC for you fine folks. Like last time, I might stray from analyzing some teams if there is a significantly more amusing way to look at said team.

Well, let's start banging this thing out.

AFC East

New England Patriots- As far as addition and subtraction of players via free agency, the Pats were pretty silent. They did add the 57 year old Fred Taylor, but lost CB/KR Ellis Hobbs. Their biggest gain is getting He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named back from injury. HWMNBN was injured in the first game of the season last year, but, sadly, it wasn't bad enough to end his career, and he will be back this year. During his time off HWMNBN probably spent a lot of time with his bastard child. As far as the Patriots go, they should run away with the division. This team is still stacked on offense and the defense isn't horrible.

Miami Dolphins- This team is quite limited on offensive weaponry, but they made it work last year. The Fins started using the "Wildcat Formation" last year, putting Ronnie Brown in at QB for a few plays at a time. Chad Pennington is perfect for what they try to do in the passing game. He just throws short to his TEs and gets the job done. They drafted QB/RB/WR Pat White in the second round, thus bolstering the "Wildcat". The defense was stellar and should only get better.

New York Jets- Set at almost every position, the Jets have one glaring weakness. They don't have a proven QB. Mark Sanchez is the quarterback of the future, but is only a rookie and Kellen Clements has no future, but has the most experience. The Jets are stuck between a rock and a hard place. The addition of 3 DBs will help sure up a bad pass defense from last year. I just hope they beat the Patriots.

Buffalo Bills- Did you happen to catch the reality show TO on VH1? Well, it was fantastic. Terrell Owens is legitimately funny, and in very good shape. Do I think he won't obliterate the chemistry this team has? No, he's still a cancer, but he's a funny cancer. If this team can not implode, it could be very good. They had 4 picks in the first 2 rounds of the draft. That doesn't hurt.

AFC North

Baltimore Ravens- The RB situation isn't perfect, but it might be serviceable. Second year QB Joe Flacco now has playoff experience, and played at Delaware in college, and they have cool helmets. The Raven's daunting D lost contributors Bart Scott and Chris McAlister, but will still be very good. This team made the playoffs last year, and could do it again in a strong AFC North. Michael Phelps will also give them magic powers.

Pittsburgh Steelers- The defending Super Bowl champs sport pretty much the same lineup as last year. DOPY James Harrison is back, which should frighten anyone who might accidentally get the ball against Pitt.

Cleveland Browns- The Browns were bad last year. They'll be bad this year too. Eric Mangini is a good coach, but nothing spectacular. They don't have the starting QB sorted out yet, which is not something you want to wait on. A revamped defense might not be as bad, but won't be good by any means. Look for this team to struggle as much as, if not more than, last year.

Cincinnati Bengals- The Bengals only managed 4 wins last year. This team will get better because QB Carson Palmer is back, but won't be a great team. They lost TJ Houshmandzadeh, but still have Chad Ochocinco. They were last in the league in offense last year, so they technically can't do any worse. So there's that...

AFC West

San Diego Chargers- The Chargers fell ass backwards into a home playoff game last year, and somehow knocked off a more talented Colts team (I'm a little bitter). Philip Rivers is not a good person, but is a great QB. LT is back to form, which should help. Darren Sproles, a man who I have had nightmares about, is back. Hopefully someone accidentally steps on that little person. Antonio Gates is probably the best TE in the league these days and he's probably back to full health. The Chargers have a very good defense and will be a team to contend with. I hate them.

Denver Broncos- The Broncs lost their starting QB, head coach, and leading WR. You'd think this would be crippling to a team that floundered down the stretch and had a defense that would struggle against the Lions. But shockingly, this team doesn't look horrible on paper. They made a smart draft pick in Knowshon Moreno, who might be the best RB in the draft. They had 5 total picks in the first 2 rounds, and added 6 players to the defense through trades or free agency. This will be a team to watch. Whether you watch them win 12 games or 5 will be the tricky thing.

Oakland Raiders- The Raiders have already had a bit of fun. New head coach Tom Cable has reportedly sent an assistant to the hospital after punching him. That'll show the players you mean business. As far as football players go, the Raiders seem to have a lack of talented ones. Don't worry though, they spent the seventh draft pick on Darrius Heyward-Bey. Wait, who? Well, this should be fun. Enjoy all 3 of your wins Oakland.

Kansas City Chiefs- Despite an awesome home field advantage in Arrowhead, this team limped a grand total of 2 victories last season. In the off season they spent a boatload of cash on Matt Cassel, who hasn't started a season #1 on the depth chart since he was a senior in high school. That's right folks, this man didn't start a game in college, playing behind Heisman winners all 4 years. He also got put behind HWMNBN in New England. He and I were both very excited when HWMNBN almost lost a leg last year. Anywho, the Chiefs will get about 4 wins this year. That's twice as many!

AFC South

Houston Texans- With QB Matt Schaub back from injury, this offense shouldn't be a problem. Steve Slaton has made himself known around the league as a very good back, and Andre Johnson is one of the top 3 WRs in the NFL. The defense should improve with the addition of two draft picks and a few FAs. The only thing holding the Texans back is a very good division.

Indianapolis Colts- I'd love nothing more than to say, "The Colts are stacked and anything short of a Super Bowl would be a disappointment!" But I haven't been given that liberty this year. Obviously the Colts are still one of the teams to beat in the NFL. Peyton Manning is going to continue to put up ungodly numbers and rookie RB Donald Brown is sick, but there are problems that need addressed. The O-line needs to protect better and the defense needs to stop the run and get healthy. When healthy this team could beat anyone, but that hasn't been the case for a few years now.

Tennessee Titans- This team relied on ball control, a great run defense, and a great rushing attack to go 13-3 last year. This year will be a little different. First of all, Kerry Collins is old, like really old, and might not be able to recreate his 08 magic. Second, they lost arguably the best DT in football in Albert Haynesworth. This team will be good, but not 13-3 good. Expect about 9 wins.

Jacksonville Jaguars- Maurice Jones-Drew is one of the few bright spots on this team. The Jags brought in a couple of older veteran players to try to distance themselves from underachievers of old, but that might not be a solution. The defense lost it's leader and a few role players. This team has past it's opportunity to win and should consider rebuilding soon.

PLAYOFFS
1. Pittsburgh Steelers
2. Indianapolis Colts
3. New England Patriots
4. San Diego Chargers
5. Houston Texans
6. Baltimore Ravens

Football Time

2009-08-17T07:41:00.001-07:00

Hi everybody! I got my laptop fixed, I finished working for the summer, I have a week before I go back to school, and I have a lot of free time. What does one do with an ample amount of free time? Blog of course. This week I'm going to attempt to write at least a little bit about every NFL team. It might not be that insightful, but for those unimportant or really bad teams, it should at least be entertaining to read. So, let's start chugging along.

I think this would be a lot easier to do by conference and by division. I'm making the executive decision to start with the NFC. The order that I choose to mention teams is not the order I think they will finish in the standings, it's just the order in which I remember them.

NFC East

Philadelphia Eagles- The Eagles went from "pretty boring" to "Oh my god, they have Mike Vick". This will turn out to be quite the leap in media popularity. On espn.com there was a story on the front page about Vick staying late after practice. Who cares? Apparently a lot of people. This team is good. Always will be. A very fragile, but very talented running back in Brian Westbrook will play a role in the success of this team. The Eagles will inevitably finish at 10-6 and lose in the playoffs. It happens every year and this year is no exception.

New York Giants- They made Eli Manning the highest paid player in the NFL for some reason. Don't get me wrong, I think Eli is a very good quarterback, but I'm also a firm believer that to be paid the most, it would be a good idea to be the best. He's not the best no matter who you compare him to. His own conference he loses to Drew Brees. His own division has McNabb and Romo. He's the third best QB in his own family. His draft class features Mr. Roethlisberger and the giant tool that is Philip Rivers. Besides an overpaid QB, the Giants have a fragile RB, and they lost their #1 WR because he shot himself. This defense is going to be good, but probably not good enough to carry this team to a playoff birth.

Dallas Cowboys- This year's Cowboys team will be a true testament to the saying "addition by subtraction". They lost Tank Johnson presumably to prison, Terrell Owens to Buffalo, Pac Man Jones is probably shooting strippers, LB Zach Thomas is chillin in a retirement home because I think he's 73 now, and safety Roy Williams is off somewhere breaking people's legs with illegal tackles (they made a new rule just to stop his dangerousness). Without those distractions this team might be legit. But in a division as stacked as this, they won't be making the playoffs, but that's ok because Tony Romo still has Jessica Simpson, oh wait.

Washington Redskins- Offense shouldn't be a problem if Jason Campbell continues to improve at QB. Clinton Portis is still a top back despite progressively getting older, seeing as it's physically impossible to get younger. The defense wasn't anything to write home about last year, so they signed Albert Haynesworth who was close to defensive POTY last season. This team could be very good or very average. At least they shouldn't be bad.

NFC South

Tampa Bay Buccaneers- The Buccos lost a lot and gained very little. One good thing they managed to do was get younger. That'll help, eventually. Basically all you need to know about Tampa is that they don't have a quarterback, but they make up for it by putting a pirate ship in the stadium. Well played Buccaneers!

Atlanta Falcons- They made the playoffs last year with a rookie QB. Matt Ryan will be even better this year and the addition of Tony Gonzalez (see previous post about GOATs) should help. Michael "the Burner" Turner (I like that name), is one of the top tailbacks in the NFL. On offense this team should be set. The D lost a lot, but the Falcons are hoping their draft class can effectively fill those gaps. This team's going to be good, but this is not an easy division to win.

New Orleans Saints- Drew Brees had a stupendous season last year, with over 5,000 yards passing. That's about the only bright side to a lackluster 2008. Reggie Bush will be back from injuries, but even with him healthy, this team isn't scary. A bad defense and inconsistent running attack will put the Saints back in a comfortable position, last.

Carolina Panthers- Last year the Panthers won division on the shoulders of their run game. Jake Delhomme finally stayed healthy for a whole season, and threw the ball efficiently enough to go 12-4. Steve Smith is still one of the best WRs in the game and DeAngelo Williams is a top 5 back. The defense was above average and if they can figure out how to stop the rush, they won't have a problem repeating as division champs.

NFC North

Green Bay Packers- Offense wasn't really a problem in 08. Aaron Rodgers filled in nicely for Brett Favre and Ryan Grant got 1200+ yards. The Packers ended up 5th in the league in scoring. The defense was the problem. Being 21st in the league in points given up is actually not a good thing apparently. Hmmm. They added some talent by taking 2 defensive players in the first round of the draft. Too bad Clay Matthews won't be able to play because he doesn't know where Green Bay is (check my post about athlete intelligence).

Detroit Lions- Ha. At least the #1 overall pick isn't taking an 0-16 record too seriously (NSFW).

Minnesota Vikings- This team is going to be about the same as last year as far as personnel is concerned. The Vikes are gonna have to rely on a strong defensive line and a strong running game. Adrian Peterson is widely regarded as the best back in the NFL. I disagree, but that's ok, he'll suffice. No real threat at QB might be a problem. Jackson or Rosenfels, tough choice. Eh, maybe they'd be interested in Brett Favre? *EDIT* Brett Favre is back. This team might just be pretty good.

Chicago Bears- Da Bears are one of my least favorite teams. This is partially because I despise all things Chicago sports related, partly because they get their own espn site. They also got rid of 2 Indiana based QBs. Kyle Orton, who played for Purdue, and Rex Grossman, who grew up in Bloomington, Indiana. This team will win the division on Jay Cutler's diabetic arm, and Matt Forte's superhuman legs.

NFC West

Arizona Cardinals- They went to the Super Bowl last year. Not bad. But they were missing one thing, a legit RB. So they drafted Chris Wells in the first round. Well done sirs. Their defensive backfield is sick, but a good LB or D-lineman would've been nice. They should win the division again, but a repeat to the Super Bowl might not be in the Cards (get it- they are the Cards, huzzah wordplay).

St. Louis Rams- This team was really, really bad last year. They'll be better this year because they dropped some dead weight, but still not a good team. They should win about 3 times as many games. That would be 6. Again, still not good. At least the city of St. Louis won't notice the first couple months of the season since the Cardinals (MLB version) will be in the World Series.

Seattle Seahawks- 25th in offense and 25th in defense in 2008, the Seahawks would be hard pressed to be just as bad. They added TJ Houshmandzadeh in free agency and Matt Hasselbeck should be less inured. The defense got a little makeover through the draft and some key acquisitions. Don't expect much from this team. On the bright side, Julius Jones should get most of the carries and he went to Notre Dame, so there's that.

San Francisco 49ers- The Niners are one of the hardest NFC teams to figure out. The offense for instance has Frank Gore, who could be a top back in the NFL, and Michael Crabtree, and All-World athlete at WR, but no QB distribute the ball. The defense features young phenom Patrick Willis and decent DB Nate Clements, but not much more than that. If everything comes together this team could win 10 games. If not, this team will win 5.

PLAYOFFS
1. Arizona Cardinals
2. Carolina Panthers
3. Chicago Bears
4. New York Giants
5. Atlanta Falcons
6. Philadelphia Eagles

Apologies

2009-08-13T04:28:00.001-07:00

Dear loyal reader, or first timer, or infrequent stopper by,
It might look like I've forgotten about this here blog, but far from it. I've just been experiencing some technological issues. Apparently computers don't work when they don't have electricity coursing through them. Who knew? Anyway, once I get a new power chord for my laptop we'll be back in business. Just keep checking back. And in the meantime I found a video for you to watch.

Athaletes is Smart

2009-08-05T04:40:00.000-07:00

Every morning I do what everyone else in America does. I wake wake up, give my alarm clock the finger, shower, and plop down in front of SportsCenter before work with a cup of coffee. Recently on SC, Chris Mortenson has been going around to all the NFL training camps and hanging out with players and coaches and giving us an inside look at the goings on of professional football.

This morning we were granted access to the Green Bay Packers camp. Chris sat down with rookie LB Clay Matthews to discuss moving from glorious USC to the Frozen Tundra of Green Bay. When asked about the transition of being a "SoCal Kid" to Green Bay, Matthews said (and this is to the best of my memory, I don't have Tivo), "On draft day I had to look up Green Bay. I had not idea it was in Wisconsin." First of all, you're a football player and this is the Packers. Where have you been? Second of all, you went to one of the most prestegious colleges in the universe. I'm just estimating, but you were given about $200,000 worth of school time. And you don't know what state the mecca of football is in. Really? And you thought that would be a good thing to mention on SportsCenter. You better be a really good linebacker sir.

Everybody Poops

2009-08-04T12:50:00.000-07:00

Last week during the Buick Open Tiger Woods pooped on the competition, figuratively and literally. Despite having a bad first round, Tiger managed to shoot a -20 and win by 3 strokes. That's what we've come to expect from Woods. He wins. He gets a page on Monday in the newspaper and the world moves on. But when Tiger winds and, maybe, just might have farted a little, the world goes to Hell in a handbasket.

Apparently (I say apparently because the PGA made youtube take down the video), Tiger Woods broke wind on the 18th hole on Sunday. Since I can't show you the video here, I'll describe it. No, better yet, I'll draw it.

That's Tiger standing with his caddy, stretching his hammys and boom. Then the next shot is he and his caddy giggling like little school girls.

Haha, Tiger Woods farted. Got it. I think farts are as funny as the next guy. I mean, a funny sound with a lasting smell. What's not to like? What I don't like is how much newsprint and energy is being put into it. You might think I'm just beating a dead horse by writing this, but what I'm doing is talking about how sad "real" news outlets are. Here, here, here, here, here, and here. Those are all pretty legit news sources and they actually paid a real life human being to write about a possible Tiger fart. Really. Really?!!?!

What's wrong with these people. NFL training camp just started, college football starts soon, the MLB trade deadline just ended, Major League Soccer- nevermind. But there is legitimate sports news that could be covered.

The most rediculous part of all this is the lack of effort to speak to the source. I won't make a judgement on the subject until I hear from Tigers butt myself.

New Favorite Site

2009-08-01T08:00:00.000-07:00

I just discovered whatifsports.com

Best website ever. I personally pitting the 2005 Colts against the 20007 Patriots. If you simulate enough, the Colts actually win. Die in a Fire Tom Brady.

Mike Vick Disliked?

2009-08-01T06:27:00.001-07:00

When you have a job that gives an ample amount of free time, you find interesting ways to use it. The picture is kind of blurry. Click on it to clear it up. The quote bubble (which took forever to make by the way) says, "Let's go play wit the otha dogs".

Mike Vick has apparently been voted the most disliked person in sports. Hmmm...

There's been a lot of hooplah in recent weeks about Mike Vick getting back in the league. All artists have inspiration. If all I hear about is Vick, that's what my art (I'm referring to the piece above when I say art) is going to be about.

Last week, Mike Vick was reinstated into the NFL. Roger Goodell, the godfath... I mean commissioner, of the league says that if Vick is signed by a team he will be suspended for the start of the season.

In case you're wondering, I do plan on doing more artistic works.

Good Week, or Best Week Ever?

2009-07-31T14:18:00.001-07:00

Whew. It's been an exciting trade deadline. Lots of big names were traded. Lots of lesser knowns were traded. But we'll discuss the trade deadline later. Right now we need to celebrate!!!

By now you've probably heard about the list of players who failed drug tests in 2003. If you haven't here's a good article about it. You might wonder why would celebrate something that should darken the game we love. Well, my friend, we aren't celebrating the fact that people are using steroids, we're celebrating that David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez were ousted as drug abusers. People, that is one step closer getting that damn "Red Sox Nation" to just shut up. After almost 100 years of failure, they finally got their championship. Good for them. But then it became popular to be a Sawx fan. Then it became cool to get a green or pink jersey of a player they know nothing about. Then Fever Pitch came out and sucked, but people watched it because it was "just like their life". Then they won again in '07. Then THEIR BEST PLAYERS GOT CAUGHT CHEATING! Suck on that Boston.

What some BoSox fans will claim is that the tests were from 2003 and they won in '04. Phewy. They cheated. Nuff said. Bronson Arroyo, from that same cheating team has admitted that he is probably on that list. Nomar Garciaparra has tested positive and was on the '04 Sox. It's just a matter of time before Curt Schilling and probably a few more from '04 show up on the list. And I couldn't be happier.

In other news, the trade deadline was today. This year we were granted with a few very big names switching teams. Let's take a gander:

We'll start with the AL Central. The White Sox and Tigers were both big buyers this year and the Cleveland Indians seemed to be trying to give away anything with talent.

It started this morning when the Tigers traded 2 minor league pitchers to the Mariners for the remains of Jarrod Washburn. The Mariners were the winners in this deal, but with the Tigers looking like a strong contender they are putting a lot their eggs in the '09 basket. Washburn's got a very sparkly ERA around 2.5ish, which is Top 10 in the AL. I don't want to frighten anyone with sabermetric statistics, but Washburn isn't really that good (don't tell Detroit).

Not to be outdone, the White Sox went out and got Jake Peavy. In case you don't watch San Diego baseball, he's really good. Like, really good. Oh wait, what's that? He's on the disabled list and hasn't pitched in months? There's only a 50/50 chance he'll pitch again this year? Huh. They shot their future in the face, then peed on the corpse that is 2011-2015. But they might have a Cy Young winner next year. That's kinda cool right?

Cleveland gave Victor Martinez to the Boston Juicers for a bunch of prospects and one major league ready young pitcher. They also sent last year's Cy Young award winner, Cliff Lee, to Philadelphia for a plethora of prospects and young big leaguers. Well done Cleveland.

Pittsburgh was very active in this offseason. I wrote about their trades in a comment on the previous post. They also gave up Adam LaRoche and Nate McLouth. They aren't fans of players with two capital letters in their surname, weird reason to trade guys.

Other transactions included, but aren't limited to: The Reds and Blue Jays swapped 3Bs. The Bronx Bombers got the hustle machine Jerry Hairston Jr. The Nationals sent 1B Nick Johnson and his unluckiness (again more sabermetric stats could be used here) to the Marlins. And the A's sent Orlando Cabrera to the Twins. Not too many things here that will significantly impact playoff races.

Not too much analysis here, but if you want me to tell you what I think about any other trades, leave a comment. And before you go to a more interesting site, remember, the Red Sox are cheaters (and so are the Yankees, but they didn't win and get annoying).

This is Funny On A Few Levels

2009-07-29T04:34:00.001-07:00

I bet you thought I forgot about this here blog. Unpossible. I have a quick link in my toolbar. I've just been working, hosting a party, and there really hasn't been much sports news that I can write about.

Still not much news, but I found something pretty funny. Apparently the Pittsburgh Pirates were trying to be proactive on the financial front. They knew the Nationals were coming to town, which meant that they'd get one fan there, maybe. Someone in their brilliant (did that come off sarcastic?) front office thought they'd make fans happy and try to give those tickets away. The promotion was that they would take $1 off of a $24 ticket for every run they scored last weekend. Good idea. Bad execution.

What the Buccos ownership forgot was that the Pirates, like the Nationals, are horrible. On Friday night of the series Pitt managed to win 10-3. Good. Then lost the next two days 16-0. Bad. They had 4 men get to second base over the last 2 games. Well done.

Now these premo tickets are going to go for $14 instead of $24. Not bad, but you have to watch a Nationals vs Pirates game. I guess if someone had plans to go to the pool, they could get some sun in the right field bleachers. I'm just happy that I don't live where the Pirates play. Oh wait, my city has been graced with their Triple-A team. Awesome. I get to spend $14 to watch future horrible players.

Shaq is a Genius

2009-07-21T19:46:00.000-07:00

orry it's been so long folks. Death in the family, work, and a basic lack of stuff for me to write about, have prevented me from doing anything on this here blog.

I would've written about going to the ESPY awards, but I guess my invite got lost in the mail. Disney obviously heard about my plight and promptly gave me something to write about. They're giving Shaquille O'Neal a real life television show. You may know Shaquille from blockbuster films Kazaam, and Steel. Or maybe from his basketball career. Whichever it is, you've heard of him.

The show is going to be called "Shaq Vs." I first heard of the show on SportsNation, a new, very good, show on ESPN1 (also owned by Disney). It's basically going to be Shaq vs. a bunch of the best athletes in the world. You're thinking "So, they do some activities and decide who's better right?" Wrong my dear reader. It will Shaq against the other athletes, in their sport. Now you're thinking "ohhhhhh. Ok, much better idea, thanks Mr. Writer." You're welcome, reader.

Shaq is slated to swim against Michael Phelps, play volleyball with Misty May and Keri Walsh, play football with Ben Roesthlisberger, serve it up against Serena Williams, touch gloves with Golden Boy Oscar De La Hoya, and do something baseball related against Albert Pujols (hopefully one pitches to the other).

This show is going to be great, but they got the wrong guy. Don't get me wrong, I think Shaq is huh-freakin-larious, and I don't think there are more entertaining athletes. And the show was the Big Aristotle's idea, so he should star, but they got the wrong guy. Shaq's teammate is the guy who needs to be put to the test. LeBron James, athletic gift to mankind, is who needs to be on the show.

Anyone who reads this blog regularly, which is nobody, might think I like LeBron. The truth is, I don't. He's in the same division as my Pacers, which is unexcusable. I don't like to see him win, but I like to see him play. LeBron is a freak. I was talking with a friend lately, and I don't think there is a sport that LeBron couldn't play professionally. My friend threw out hockey, so I punched him in the lip and called him a racist. Seriously though, with a month of practice LeBron could dominate in pretty much anything. Think about it. Yeah, he can do it all. He's freakishly fast, tall, strong, quick, good looking, I mean... bad ass.

There we have it my friends. Shaq O'Neal has thought of a fantastic television program. And he's going to star in it. And it's going to be great. But if he were a good teammate he'd let LeBron go against everybody he loses to. I need to be a consultant for ESPN. Then they won't lose my invitation.

Also, I want to know what you guys think. What athlete do you think would accel in another sport? Please leave some feedback, I don't think my self-esteem can handle 0 comments.

What Happens in Vegas... Gets out Eventually

2009-07-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

Some people might remember the incident involving Pacman Jones in 2007. If you don't here's a quick recap--
During NBA All-Star Weekend 07 in Las Vegas, Pacman went to a strip club and caused a little trouble. It started out as innocent as a Vegas weekend can be. You know, $40,000 in singles thrown over hundreds of strippers (we've all been there). When some of the strippers stopped dancing to collect the money, Pacman allegedly hit one. The bouncers didn't like that and forced Pacman and his crew to leave. Again, a normal Vegas weekend. Then it got weird. Someone from Pacman's entourage thought it would be a good idea to get a gun and shoot up the club. He hit a few strip club employees and paralyzed one. Pacman was found guilty, can't play football anymore, and is just not having an overall good time.

So that was that. You might be wondering how something that happened in 07 is being written about in my blog, in 2009. Well, today a few videos from that infamous night in the club have leaked and, my goodness are they funny. I can't wait til I'm a millionaire.

This video may not be suitable for children. Or people with morals.

And this one isn't censored and may make you feel dirty.

This one's more familyish, hooray!

This Just In... The Padres are Bad

2009-07-11T11:20:00.000-07:00

Last night Jonathan Sanchez hurled the first no-no of the 2009 MLB season. You might be like me last night when I got a text at 2am from ESPN notifying me of the feat. My reaction was, 'Who in the world is Jonathan Sanchez?!??!!'.

I woke up this morning, checked my phone to make sure I wasn't dreaming, and hopped on the interweb. Not even a Lady Gaga video on perezhilton.com could keep me from figuring out this phenom, Mr. Sanchez. I mean, for someone I've never heard off to toss a no-hitter, they have to some rookie phenom, just brought up to the bigs, nobody quite knows his stuff yet, and he's gonna have a bright future. Right? Wrong.

Jonathan Sanchez is a 26 yeard old who's been in the league for 3 full seasons already. He only became a starter last year. He didn't get any saves as a reliever. You might be saying, "This is his breakout season. He's just now entering his prime." Well, he is close to the top of the league in a few categories-- 4th in losses and 6th in walks issued. Not bad. If it weren't for injuries, he wouldn't even be in the starting rotation. He's behind 3 Cy Young winners (Lincecum, Zito, Johnson) and another 09 All-Star (Cain) on his own team. Where did this come from?

So what enabled this below average, very very far below average, pitcher to throw this gem of a game? Your 2009 San Diego Padre's sad attempt at offense. Let's take a gander at what the Pads have done thus far. Whuddya know, they have the least amount of hits in the MLB. And it's not even close; they're 25 hits behind the next team. Also last in runs scored (haha, someone's worse than the Mariners), this team is very bad.

There's the evidence folks. To throw a no-hitter in Major League Baseball all you need to do is throw strikes against the Pads. If you look a little further into it, you'll find out that Sanchez's father was in attendance for the first time as a professional. Ahhh, it all makes sense now. The Padres were just trying to save Jonathan from embarassment. I would like to nominate Bud Black (SD's manager) for man of the year, for without his ineptitude, Sanchez would've remained a no talent, minor league calibur pitcher. Thanks Bud!

Hooray!!!

2009-07-11T09:40:00.000-07:00

I know you don't care, but the Mariners traded Yunieski Betancourt!!! I despised this tub-o-lard. I don't even care that you don't care. I'm just ecstatic right now!

NL All-Stars

2009-07-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

Sunday I took a look at the starting lineup for the American League All-Stars. There were few people voted in by the fans that don't deserve to be starters. Now we're going to take a look at the National League starters.

Like the AL there are a few no-brainers. Obviously Albert Pujols at 1B. He's first in the MLB in HR, RBI, and 4th in BA. Not bad. At SS we'll see Hanley Ramirez, who is about as good as anyone in baseball. Ryan Braun out of Milwaukee is a solid choice in the outfield. These were the obvious ones. Chase Utley at second was also a pretty easy decision. The other choices weren't so obvious.

At catcher Yadier Molina of the St. Louis Cardinals gets the nod. Not only do I think Yadier shouldn't be starting, but might not be the best Molina in the NL. IMHO (yeah, that's some serious internet lingo right there), Bengie Molina is the better catcher this year. Yadier has better defense, but at the dish, I like Bengie. The starting spot, however, should be given to Brian McCann from Atlanta. His hitting is head and shoulders above the rest. If I were the only fan who voted, he'd be my starter.

Starting at 3B will be David Wright from, wait for it, New York. Whooda thunk? He deserves to be an All-Star, but not starting. The man deserving of the starting spot is Pablo Sandoval from San Francisco. He deserves to be starting, but isn't even an All-Star, yet. He will need to be voted in as the last spot. Here's his ranking among 3rd basemen-- 1st in BA, 4th in RBI, 4th in HR, 1st in SLG, and 1st in OPS. That's pretty damn good. He's better than Mr. Wright in every category except stolen bases, which is irrelevent with Joe Mauer starting at catcher for the AL (again, Mauer is the man).

As far as the outfield starters for the NL, 2 of them belong. Ryan Braun and Raul Ibanez are have tremendous seasons. The third outfielder, Carlos Beltran, WAS having a great season, but then hit the disabled list. He probably won't be able to play and his starting spot should go to Justin Upton (btw Justin Upton is going to be the best player in the league in 2011-2015, watch).

Overall, the NL fans did a pretty good job. Wow, how boring.

All-Stars Announced

2009-07-05T19:27:00.000-07:00

Today the starting lineups for Major League Baseball were announced. In case you don't watch much baseball, or watch a lot of baseball on MUTE, the starting lineups are voted on by we, the fans. This is supposed to be great because we get a voice in putting who we have watched all season long and think are deserving to play in the Mid-Summer Classic. There's only one glaring problem with this system-- EVERYONE'S RETARDED!!!

Most of the choices for starters are easy, but some of the final choices are horrible. It makes you wonder why an all-time high in attendance results in a complete lack of baseball knowledge.

Today I'll look over the AL team. Tomorrow, or sometime soon, I'll do the NL.

In the American League there were some very obvious choices. Anyone who's watched SportsCenter in the last 2 months knows the Joe Mauer is amazing, Jason Bay hits the ball really far, really often, and Ichiro is a god in the field and at the plate. Other than those 3 the choices were unclear and some were just dumb.

I think a better name for the AL All-Star team would be "The All-AL East Team". If you start for the Red Sox or Yankees there's a good chance your an All-Star. The middle infield will be riddled with overrated players Dustin Pedroia, and my least favorite baseballer in the world, Derek Jeter.

Let's start with Pedroia. He won the MVP award last year. I don't think he deserved it, but it's in the past, and he actually played really well last year. This year he is underperforming greatly. I don't think he should be an All-Star at all. Among AL 2nd basemen he is 4th in average, 7th in slugging, 12th in homeruns, 2nd in runs. To start one should be best in a lot of things. He's only leading in on-base percentage. Pedroia is the most glaring problem with the system.

And on to Jeter. Dammit. Upon further review, he deserves it for the first time.

Starting at 1B we'll get to see New York Yankee Mark Teixiera. Sadly we won't be able to see the best first basemen in the American League, Justin Morneau. Morneau is ahead in HRs, RBIs, batting avg, OBP, slugging, and OPS. That's every freaking catgory. The only thing Teixeira is leading in is population of hometown. That is the most important stat afterall.

In the outfield one of the Major's best players will be starting. Josh Hamilton has apparently won over the fans. It really is a touching story of how far he's come from drugs and alcohol. He's killed my favorite team for a couple years now, but I still like him. But he still shouldn't be an All-Star. He's only played in 35 games!!!!!! The fans dropped the ball on this one. Their collective heads and hearts were in the right place, but come on. He's on a good pace for an All-Star season, but this is rediculous. If he accepts his nomination, it'll say a lot about this flawed system. Torii Hunter deserved this one.

Ponder what I've said, dear reader. If what I've tried convey has moved you, take the time to write a hand written letter to your professional baseball team. Then go watch baseball, and don't screw up next year.

Cherish our GOATs

2009-07-02T19:25:00.000-07:00

OMG... the Reald World just got real!!! When Joey spat.... Oh sorry, wrong blog.

Anywho, did you hear about Michael Jackson? Apparently he passed away last week. I know this is a sports blog and you didn't come here to read about music, or if you did you got really lucky, but what we must realize is that what the world lost was someone who was truly the best ever at what they do. MJ was the King of Pop. He was the best pop music artist to ever walk this earth. He was the Greatest of All Time. GOAT.

My generation, folks born in the 80's, doesn't really have a musical icon of that calibur. What we 20-somethings do have is a plethora of athletes that have been the best ever, or pretty damn close, at what they do.

Let's take a gander:

NBA

This was the hardest sport to pick three nominees for GOAT. But I did it. And I did it well.

Michael Jordan- The obvious choice really. Not a single person who knows what a basketball looks like would neglect Jordan from their all-time top 5. If they do then they deserve to be fed to my cat, who is the reencarnation of Maximilien Robespierre (look him up, he was an asshole).

Shaquille O'Neal- Shaq. He can't hit a free throw to save his life, but he's amazing. 4 NBA titles, 3 of which he was finals MVP. Put him in any era and he'd still dominate. He's wearing down, but a recent trade to be with the next man on the list will put him at 5 titles next year.

LeBron James- He hasn't done much yet, except win an MVP, get 20 some triple-doubles, get to the NBA finals, but he'll accomplish something soon. He's only 24. His size, strength, and speed are unrivaled by any athlete on the planet besides Brock Lesnar. By the time he retires in 15 years he might accomplish something notable. I see 4 MVPS, 3 titles, and a bunch of other things making him worthy of GOAT.

MLB

This list doesn't take into account steroid allegations.

Albert Pujols- He's only 28 and he has a Rookie of the Year, 4 Silver Slugger, 2 MVPs (3 if you count the one he'll get in a few months), a world series, and a gold glove. That's enough to get to the Hall of Fame after a career, not entering their prime. And nobody has ever even accused him on PEDs, yet.

Roger Clemens- Maybe he took roids, maybe he didn't. Until there's proof, I'm going to cite his 7, SEVEN!!!, Cy Young awards. For those that are unaware, that award goes to the best pitcher in baseball, and seven times that happened. He even got an MVP in 1986. Pitchers don't get that unless they're something special.

Alex Rodriguez- He knowingly took steroids. That's bad. He's on pace for over 800 careers homeruns. That's good. What he did was wrong and he acknowledged that, but it was only for a few years of his career. I know, it doesn't make it right, but he earned the largest contract in baseball history before that. I personally am not a fan of ARod, not since he ditched Seattle for a division rival (unacceptable), but I can tell when a freakish specimin of athleticism graces a sport, I take notice. GOAT.

NFL

Football is different because there are so many positions, each being just as important as the next. You can't compare a Free Safety to a Left Guard. It's like comparing bookshelves and forks. Yeah, they're both in my house, but are used for different things at different times.

Some obvious footballers stick out:

Peyton Manning, QB- I'm not just saying this because he's from the Nap. He really is the best quarterback ever. He's got 3 MVPs, a super bowl MVP, the single season passing TD record (I don't accept Tom Brady's 2007 season), he's had 9 4000+ passing yard seasons. That's it. Nuff said, GOAT.

Emmit Smith, RB- All-time leading rusher, 8 Pro Bowls, 3 Superbowls, and has the most TDs all time among RBs. GOAT.

Brett Favre, QB- I was never a fan of him, and his recent soap opera of a life annoys me to no end. But the numbers speak for themselves. All time leader in... everything. GOAT.

Tony Gonzalez, TE- What? How random, right? Not really, all things considered. At every other postition there could be a strong argument about whether someone deserves to be on the list at #1 or #10. Not with Tony. He's like the Michael Jackson of TE's. He's got the most yards, receptions, and TDs among all TEs, ever. GOAT.

No defensive player today or in recent memory that's GOAT worthy.

Other Sports

Tiger Woods, golf (duh)- Most popular and richest athlete in the world. Nobody today can touch him. In no other competition in the world are the contests so lopsided before it even starts. Every golf pregame show asks the question "Who ya got? Tiger or the field?" There's nobody else like that. Super GOAT.

Roger Federer, tennis- He's 3 days from having the most Major wins in tennis history. He doesn't lose. He has the record most time spent at #1 in the world. He recently was beaten a couple time and lost the number one spot. That won't last long when he wins the second Grand Slam of '09. GOAT.

Michael Schumacher, F1- Really fast. He's won 7 championships, including 5 in a row from 2000-2004. I've never seen him lose a race that I was attending. GOAT.

So there we have it. Influencial athletes of MY generation. You might think I missed a few, or put someone who doesn't deserve to be up there. But that's why I have a blog and you don't. I did miss one guy...

Jonathan Bender, NBA- Ahh if only I wrote this in 1999. What could have been... CHBGOAT.

Confed Cup Live Blog

2009-06-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

15 minutes from kick off. USA vs Brazil. Brazil's really good. USA's really not. USA's best player is suspended for a silly red card. Should be fun.

USA probably shouldn't have beaten Spain, and has already lost to Brasil 3-nil. Tim Howard played out of his mind against Espana, having 6 shots on goal to deal with. USA mustered a whopping 2, but ours both went in. USA had less corners, more fouls, and more goals. Whooda thunk?

This is my first time attempting to do a live thing. Don't judge me when it's bad.

1:58EST Just waitin for bowling to end on ESPN1.

2:00 I just realized that the only real player or team shown in the Confed Cup intro is Ronaldinho, holding a trophy for Brasil. Good sign...

2:04 We've now seen 2 montages of the US's road to the championship. In the first 4 minutes of the broadcast. I bet we get one more.

2:06 ESPN1 kindly reminds us of other USA futbol games that will forever change the way we look at soccer. The world's best sports blog did this yesterday. A day late and a dollar short ESPN1

2:08 Best players for the US: Captain Carlos Bocanegra, and Jozi Altidore. About time we realized that to be successful in soccer you need foreign sounding players.

2:11 First showing of the Heinekin commercial with the screaming guys in the walk-in fridge of beer. I don't know why, but this commercial gets me every time. It's no this, but it'll do.

2:18 Heinekin commercial numero dos. This "pregame show" is 25 minutes of commercials, 3 minutes of montage, and 2 of analysis. They're trying to get Americans hooked before they remember they're watching soccer. I'm on to you ESPN1.

2:23 It sounds like the stadium is surrounded by a large swarm of bees. It might just be horns from those crazy USA fans (haha we don't have fans), but I'm just going to assume that the losers are thrown to the bees.

2:26 Refs look pretty cocky. I can't wait for a bad, game-changing call.

2:29 Commemoration of a player who died during a 2003 game. No commemoration for Michael Jackson. What kind of second rate tourney is this?

2:32 Verbal rundown of the US's trip to the championship. That's 3.

2:33 Annnnd here we go. Can't quite get a feel for the weather. Brasil's got a few guys with long sleeves and gloves. Most American's have on short sleeves. I'm confused

2:35 2nd minute- It took less than 2 minutes for a the superior speed and ball handling of Brasil to show on a stolen clear by Howard and subsequent long run down field.

6 min- 5 of Brasil's 11 goals come from set pieces. USA fouls a lot because we're physically stronger and slower. Great.

10 min- Brasil only has a 15 game unbeaten streak. Spain's was 35 games. We got this... GOAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL Dempsey. Holy effing omg ahahahahahah.

13 min- Robinho wide open shot went far side and Tim Hoawrd, who plays for €'s not $'s, with a sick save.

15 min- 2 pretty decent chances for another goal for USA, both off corners created by hustle and determination. I don't think hustle or determination can be written without the other.

17 min- We were told that the US was missing gritty, non-statistically spectacular players in the first few games. They need David Eckstein.

22 min- First showing of American fans. No face paint. No noise makers. Just a backwards flag.

25 min- Couple of missed clears in the box for USA defenders. Unnacceptable. Followed by a sick save by euro-boy Tim Howard.

27 min- Landon Donavon makes a run. AND GOALALALALALALALAAAALLL. 2-Nil, good guys. Old man with a nasty break. Out-fasted the Brasilians.

30 min- Jozi misses a golden opportunity for goal numero 3. That would've killed it.

35 min- Tim Howard is amazing. Nuff said. Kaka was robbed there.

36 min- Still not confident.

38 min- Brasil's goalie looks like a ninja. Cool.

42 min- Brasil's gettin a little chippy. Frustration's showing.

44 min- My cousin who works for a large sporting good's distributor (I won't say names to discourage sponsors from giving me money), informed me that all the players for both teams are wearing $200+ cleats.

46 min- Close call in the box. Disaster averted. Half time. Lunch time.

HALFTIME--- Here's what I've noticed. Bacon makes every sandwich better. USA is running some amazing counter-attacks and the crosses into the box are being played very well. USA is making the best of an oddly high amount of corners. If they keep it up they'll get one more. My only concern is the missed clearances by the USA back line. Luckily Brasil hasn't had anyone back to capitalize, but they will. Let's see what happens.

46 min- And we're back. 38 seconds later Brasil scores. Luis Fabiano. Ugh. I was never confident.

48 min- USA responds by... turning it over after the kick-off.

50 min- Tyler Wade informs me he's tired of being told the US needs to button down the hatches. Where's Tommy Smythe?

52 min- Donovan has started 4 good break already. He's our Willie Bloomquist. Hustle and determination.

54 min- Kaka looking like Courtney Lee in game two before he missed a layup. Lots of hugging Kobe Bryant style by the Americans. Let's get physical, physical.

58 min- Sick save by Tim Hoawrd (again). USA can't give up this many set kicks. It's not gonna last long if they keep playing like the last 5-8 minutes.

60 min- Tim Howard with a save from inside the goal. I think he's my new favorite human being. Ever. Well, behind Reggie Miller.

62 min- As I said before the game, the refs would make a horrible call. There it was. Should be 2-2. Go USA!

64 min- 3 Brasilians miss shot opportunities. There's no amount of luck that will get the USA team through this. We are not winning this game.

66 min- Dempsey just wide. Two shots on goal in the last minute or so. USA needs those shots to bring the Brasil back line back. They're creeping forward and giving USA nowhere to go.

70 min- Random yellow to Lucio of Brasil for apparently not being nice enough to the ref.

71 min- Tim Howard has to compensate for a sudden lack of hustle and determination from the USA defense. He just went off on Onyewu. Kind of funny.

73 min- I'm liking Charlie Davies hustle and determination. Seriously though, he's been very close a couple times. I don't think Brasil has played anyone with his speed since... they played us last time.

74 min- Luis Fabiano again. Damn. I said we cannot win. I was right.

75 min- Jozy Altidore comes out. Oh no.

79 min- Donovan with a decently placed free kick, but the ninja goalie takes it out of the air. I feel like that might have been the last chance the Yanks are going to get.

The scoreboard has disappeared. I don't know the minute, but Brasil's possessions all end with a shot and ours with a turnover.

85 min- Son of a bitch. A set piece goal by Brasil. It was inevitable.

87 min- Brasil finally gives up the ball, but USA promptly makes a bad pass. Corner USA.

89 min- Announcers are trying to find the silver lining from this soon-to-be embarrassing loss. At least our players will be comfortable with travel and such in South Africa. And comfortable playing horrendously for 7 halves of soccer.

90+ min- One last chance for the US. How are we gonna mess it up?

And boomb goes the dynamite. The USA managed to turn what was almost an amazing feat for USA Soccer into an embarrassment. The Spain game was 2 steps forward, the first half of this game was 1 step forward, and this half was 193 steps back. Wow.

That's it for my first attempt to do a live blog/diary thing. Hope you enjoyed.

NBA Draft

2009-06-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

Just checked into the draft at pick 17. I'm gonna cover the first round because nobody from the second round will ever do anything of note. It's live to me, but not to you. Pretend. Here's what I've noticed:

Blake Griffin went #1. We've known that would happen since the college season ended with him not in a wheelchair.

The first member from the All-Name All Stars went number 2. Hasheem Thabeet.

Ricky Rubio goes at numero cinco. He's a really good PG and he's really good looking. No homo

.

Jonny "The Leprechaun" Flynn, at a whopping 3'3" went number 6. He's magic. The "Leprechaun" and the "Good Looking Spaniard" both in Minnesota. Pair them up with athletic super-freak, and Naptown native, Rodney Carney and we have a-- 36 win team. Hooray improvement!

Pick #10 Brandon Jennings has a pretty sick tattoo.

This picture was stolen from the Amphibious Sports Duo. Read their blog too. It's funny.

With the 13th pick my Indiana Pacers selected Tyler Hansbrough. Awesome. Just awesome. As one of the 12 remaining Pacers fans, I quickly saw what Larry was trying to do. He noticed that this wasn't the deepest draft in recent history so he made what looks like the worst pick in NBA history. He outsmarted the rest of the NBA and every expert in the world. He obviously believes having the first pick next year is more important than making an effort this year. Touche Larry. Touche.

Jrue Holiday went at 17. Slightly lower than expected. The reasoning for this is because teams don't want to take a chance on a guy whose parents couldn't spell the name "Drew". Trust me, it's not that hard.

Pick 19 is Jeff Teague. He's from Indianapolis, so he's obviously gonna tear up the league.

Omri Casspi will move from Israel to Sacramento after being selected 23. I hope my Jewish reader is happy (I really don't have any). You're now well represented.

While nothing exciting is happening I will make note of the fact that David Stern has a lot of trouble reading the names of many of the foreigners. And Taj Gibson. Jeff Van Gundy is a douche. Mark Jackson suggests that Portland is "the 2nd deepest team in the league". JVG about bites his head off. Stuart Scott suggests that a team can lose and be exciting. JVG will have none of this notion and says "NO!".

Meanwhile a draft is going on. DeMarre Carroll, who pulls off three double letters very well, goes at 27. Great hair. Nickname is "Junkyard Dog". It's a great name, but I think it might be a little long. Junkyard is what I'll refer to him from now on. Too bad I'll probably write about him again.

Minnesota has 4 first round draft picks. And one in the 2nd round. That's 5 picks. I would wager that their new team could have beaten last year's 24 win team. Right now they've gotten 3 PG's and a SG. Someone's not gonna play very much. Just sayin...

The Lakers get a guy named Toney Douglas at 29. Not Tony, but Toney. I like it.

JVG just corrected the world. Dwight Howard and 10 other people didn't beat the Cavs. Rashard Lewis did. Our mistake. Sorry Jeff.

With the last relevant pick in the 2009 NBA draft the Cleveland LeBron James's select someone named Christian Eyenga. A name so difficult to say that Davey Stern took like a whole minute to say it. Eyenga-- makin' things happen since Day 1.

Ok that wraps up my draft coverage. Sorry it's already happened, but it's better than you'll get from your local newspaper. So take that for what it's worth.

USA won in soccer?

2009-06-23T20:10:00.000-07:00

I know this happened a few days ago, but I don't care.

I'm a really big soccer fan, but because South Africa is an inconsiderate nation that won't schedule games around my personal life I haven't been watching the Confederation's Cup. My brother told me that I was in luck- the US played Egypt on Sunday. I was thoroughly excited to watch the Yanks get beaten. Not because I wanted America to lose, but because I figured it was inevitable.

Before the game I decided to get on the interweb and check out the group tables for this tournament. I wasn't expecting much, and I was not surprised to see the lowly US of A with no wins and the worst goal differential. But I bet we could bomb the crap out of Brazil, Italy, and Egypt.

Anywho, I do some quick arithmetic in my head and see that the US needs to make up 6 goals on Italy, without Italy winning. The chances of that happening are about as good as me watching hockey or admitting I like my family's new cat (It's named Weezy btw).

On ESPN1 we've got the Brazil v Italy contest and USA v Egypt on ESPN Deuce. Is it sad that Brazil/Italy trumps a USA game for real ESPN rights? Moving on, the games start and I am rudely interrupted about going to "look at" a cat. 30 minutes later I return home, with said awful cat, and Brazil's up 3-0. No freakin way. USA is only up 1-0. They might win one, but they wont go on. Right?

Skip ahead another 30 minutes and USA is up 3-0 and Brazil hasn't given up a goal either. Holy canoly the USA has "earned" the right to lose to Spain!!! I say "earned" with ""'s because we ended up with 3 points. Just like Egypt and Italy. We beat Egypt heads up and had a better goal differential, so we obviously get dibs on the second round. The tie breaker with Italy is a little more idiotic. Both teams had 3 points and a goal differential of -2 (way to go guys- you managed to move on while being really bad). Italy beat the United States when they played so they move on. WRONG!!! Italy mustered up 3 whole goals in their 3 games, ironically all against the US. USA had 4 goals, 1 against Italy and 3 against Egypt. The US moves on because we had more total goals. Suck on that Italy. The rules don't care that you whooped our ass. We scored more against Egypt!

Italy shouldn't feel bad because the US cannot beat Spain. It's actually physically impossible for the US to beat good teams. I predict a score of 5-0 Spain. I won't be able to watch the game, but I don't think I'll miss too much. On the bright side, by being in the top 4 we'll get into one of the tables on the Confederations Cup wikipedia page.

It takes more than defense...

2009-06-21T09:31:00.000-07:00

We've finally gotten past a short period in history when the NBA Finals were dominated by defense. I'm not saying this was a bad time- it was actually very good. But it was boring. There were a couple years there when all we had was the Pistons and the Spurs winning games 66-62. That's an exaggeration, but between 2003 and 2007 there were more than twice as many teams held to less than 75 points (7), and teams that scored over 100 (3), in single games. Personally, I can appreciate these games, but I don't appreciate having to watch it for 5 straight years. Tim Duncan's perfect fundamentals got fundamentally boring.

But we've gotten past those days. We've graduated from Tim Duncan and Ben Wallace blocking every shot to a game that is dominated by passion. NBA basketball was beginning to turn into a league where the players didn't win the championship, savvy owners did. It was the guys who could get a group of players together that jelled and that's what it took.

Until 2008. Kevin Garnett made wanting to win a championship cool again. He made having a passion to win acceptable. And it paid off. Watch this. And this. I just got goosebumps and I've seen that a million times. That's passion. That's Garnett telling the league that this is the type of attitude it's gonna take to win in the NBA these days. No longer will the preseason favorite glide to a championship because it was so glaringly obvious that they are going to win. Garnett showed us that the team that's gonna win is the team with the most people that really, REALLY want to win. It wasn't just Garnett, he got the whole Celtics team buy into the concept that an NBA Championship means something.

This year was the Lakers year to really, REALLY want to win. We all saw the passion from Kobe Bryant. He apparently didn't smile for weeks. Sports Illustrated said his daughters took to calling him Grumpy instead of dad. Kobe obviously had the necessary desire, but getting the rest of the Lakers on board was the real challenge. As the picture (the first on this blog BTW) shows, Derek Fisher was on board. Along with Lamar Odom finally making an effort, and Trevor Ariza coming up big, and Adam Morrison expertly sitting on the bench the whole team just cared a lot. The Lakers didn't go into the playoffs as the most popular pick to win, but they wanted it the most and came away the champions. This is what the NBA needs to be like.

In '08 it was Garnett, in '09 it's been Kobe. Who's gonna step up and want it the most in the next few years. LeBron James has shown the necessary passion and that he really, REALLY doesn't like losing. He'll get his MVP's and eventually a championship or two. Dwyane Wade has shown that he has the determination to win a championship. In this year's Western Conference finals Carmelo Anthony showed he can will a team as far as Kobe will let them go. Maybe Garnett and Kobe have a few more runs in them. After all they didn't bring passion back.

You know what all these people have in common? USA basketball. After we were embarassed as a nation these guys all rallied around the notion that winning meant something again. We're entering a time in basketball history where trying hard and winning might just make a come back. I'm excited and you should be too.

Dante Stallworth Gets... 30 Days!?!?!

2009-06-16T19:56:00.000-07:00

NFL wide receiver Dante Stallworth received his sentence for DUI manslaughter. 30 days in jail, 2 years of house arrest, and 8 years of probation. That's it!

How is this possible? He killed a man while driving his Bentley intoxicated. This is quite infuriating. I can't wait til I'm a millionaire and can kill people and just chill in jail for a month. It's freaking ridiculous. His cell mate is probably in jail for regular DUI, you know, the kind where you don't kill a pedestrian, and will be there longer. Mike Vick killed dogs, not even friendly cute dogs, and got a full year. Dante Stallworth kills an old man and get a month. Huh? Way to go legal system.

This is outrageous. I can't even say anything witty right now. I'm gonna go get drunk and hit people.

A Little NBA Draft Fun

2009-06-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

Sports are full of great things. Two of which are drafts and awesome names. Now that the entry list for the 2009 NBA Draft has been finalized, it's time to pick some future stars, but just from their names. Blake Griffin might be a good player, but his name is just no fun. Here's some good ones:

Jonny Flynn, Irela... Syracuse?- What do you mean this guys not 3'3", with red hair and a pint of Guiness? And he's a projected Top 10 pick. I'm not that gullible. I know that no amount of leprechaun magic can dunk on my boy Chinemelu Elonu.

Jrue Holliday, UCLA- Huked on fonics wirked for me 2.

Jodie Meeks, Kentucky- It appears that the NBA will get it's first female player. I'm kidding, it's just a really girlie name. Bet he got beat up quite a few times growing up, but it's obviously made him the woman he is today.

Hasheem Thabeet, UConn- I guess African names are just fun.

Dar Tucker, DePaul- I wonder if his parents knew you don't pay for names by the letter. They could've finished it. Dar...

Miroslav Raduljica, Serbia- Too bad he's from Serbia. I don't even know where that is.

Aboubaka Zaki, France- I didn't think this sounded very French either.

Now, the event you've all been waiting for since you started readig this sentence. The 2009 NBA Draft All-Name Team. Although some of these guys will never play, or even be drafted, let them have their 25 words of fame.

All-Name Team

Carl Ona Embo, Italy- Started out pretty normal, you know, with the name Carl, but then hits you with the 2 name last name. I believe he's the only 3 namer this year. Also, he's Italian, but has an American first name and African last nameS.

Chinemelu Elonu, Texas A&M- He may not be good, but I bet he's tall and can block shots. And wag a finger emphatically.

DeMar DeRozan, USC- Way to go Mr. and Mrs. DeRozan. The double De is great. Hopefully we'll see DeDe Derozan in the WNBA. I kid.... hopefully the WNBA finally dies.

Wayne Ellington, North Carolina- I think his full name is Sir Wayne Francis Wofford Ellington IV. I could be wrong. Anywho, this name is straight from the Hamptons, and that's awesome. Finally a story of someone rising above the caviar and grabbing their dreams of becoming an NBA player.

Boban Marjanovic, Serbia- He's 7'3". That's 4 feet taller than Jonny "the Leprechaun" Flynn. Serbia has yet to disappoint. I think I'm going to figure out where this place is. Maybe not. And the Boban. Just reading makes all my thoughts turn to Borat speak. That's a verynice thing to have happen.

So, folks, there we have it. The future of the NBA. I personally can't wait to get my hands on a Ona Embo Pacer's jersey.

Fundamentals God Dammit!!!!

2009-06-14T11:50:00.000-07:00

This past week in sports has been riddled with millionaires not doing the simplest things in the world. And we're not talking errors and missed shots, but things that seriously cost teams important wins. I'm referring to a couple Orlando Magic mishaps and one Gold Glover dropping the simplest of balls. All 3 of these plays cost their team a win. Since I'm such a nice person I've decided to find clips for you:

Luis Castillo Error

Luis Castillo dropped a very easy fly ball that would've ended the game. I was watching SportsCenter the next morning and Momma Miller walked in on that highlight and is convinced Castillo did it on purpose. I might not disagree. It is the Yankees. He dropped it because he got under it and tried to look flashy and use one hand. To catch a pop fly one must use two hands. TWO HANDS!!!!! I learned that in 3rd grade. You've won 3 gold gloves. I have zero, but would've surely made that play. Just sayin...

Courtney Lee Missed Layup

First off let me say that this is the hardest of the costly, easy plays we're looking at. But just because it's the hardest of the easiest is not a reason to miss it. It's like being the best shooter in the wheel chair basketball league. This play has to be made. Yeah, Kobe fouled him, thus disrupting the pass timing, but it's still AN EFFING LAYUP!!! You're Courtney Lee. You hail from the great city of Indianapolis. We don't allow missed layups in Nap Town. Don't do it again.

Mr. Howard Can't Shoot

I wonder what Dwight tweeted after Game 4. I bet it was something along the lines of "just cost us the series cuz i cant shoot. gonna go make shoulders bigger. not gonna practice fts". Not sure if that was under 140 characters, but I don't care. He should've twitted that. Dwight you make about a gazzilion dollars a year. You get paid during the summer. You work 8 months out of the year. If I were you I'd take the time to learn how to throw a ball into a hoop from 15 ft away. You're supposed to be Super Man. Act like it. Also, develope a move down low. Just one.

Basically this week in sports was a let down. We had a bunch of hockey, which is never, ever a good thing. An NBA Finals that could, and should, be 3-1 Orlando, but people can't score without people guarding them. And in the MLB we've got Gold Glovers doing things that shouldn't happen past 6th grade. Let's hope next Sunday's weekly recap isn't a collection of retarded plays.

EDIT: I wrote this before Jeremy Schapp's thing on SportsCenter

Jeremy Mayfield: Perpetuating a Stereotype

2009-06-10T17:14:00.000-07:00

When I was parusing ESPN.com I saw a headline that grabbed my eye. "Jeremy Mayfield tested positive for meth". I had a few immediate reactions:
Reaction #1: When was Jeremy Mayfield in Crawfordsville, IN?
Reaction #2: Just what NASCAR needs- a popular driver giving into the white trash stereotype of doing meth. Super.
Reaction #3: Wait, what?

With a headline like this I had to investigate. It's not very often someone tests positive for something more fun than steroids.

So, now I'm reading along expecting for it to be about something else. Like, I mean, who in the world actually does meth? NASCAR folks, that's who.

I start to read the article and come to find out he's using more than just meth. He's popping, wait for it... allergy medicine! And Adderall.

But the more I think about it, it all makes sense. Who wants to drive in a big circle for hours completely sober? Not Mr. Mayfield. Especially when there are no cops on this road. Let's be rational about this. What does Adderall do? Makes you pay attention and concentrate. Very important traits to possess during a race at super duper high speeds where one slip up means certain death. And with all these super duper fast cars there's gotta be a exhaust right? Boom, a reason for the Clariton-D. I don't know why it was a double dose, that's just greedy.

So, that explains those, but the meth? Well, after some extensive research (searching wikipedia) I found that it would probably be very useful during a super duper fastcar race. Some symptoms include, but are not limited to- euphoria, increased alertness, energy, self-esteem, self-confidence, aggression, repetitive behavior (like a million consecutive laps), and if all of those helped him win--- increased orgasmic intensity. Nice work Jeremy.

Obviously what we have here is a case of Mayfield not being good enough to win without PED's (kinda like Manny Ramirez and A-Rod, BOOM ROASTED!) and he used the resources he had around him. Each Sunday he's surrounded by NASCAR fans. Come on. If your gonna be a pro athlete, do coke. It's time to be an adult.

Why Hockey Blows

2009-06-09T17:17:00.000-07:00

So, this is my first blog entry post thing. I'm using it to tell why I think hockey sucks balls. Here goes...

As a rule I attend or watch any sporting event that I can. I will watch pretty much any game that I find. I'll flip through the tube and I stop every time I see green grass with lines painted on it. Except hockey. I've never watched more than, like, 15 minutes of a hockey game on tv. If it's between the Stanley Cup Finals and a White Sox v Tigers game, like right now as I'm typing this, I'll choose the middle-of-the-road contest over the championship series game 6.

Everyone likes baseball, basketball, and football. Everyone watches golf during the majors. Tennis is cool during Wimbledon, and Nascar's got a few interesting events. Soccer is the rest of the whole damn world's preferred game. Hockey's cool in Siberia.

Here in the US of A we can relate to the "big 3" sports. I think I read somewhere that 99.9% of Americans played baseball or softball at some point between the ages of 4-13 (made that stat up). The other .1% probably had cancer and were jealous of us that didn't. Wow, that statement was in bad taste. Oh well.

People in Minnesota play hockey when they're little. And both the children in North Dakota (joke about the tinyness of ND, get it?) play. People in those states have goofy accents and lots of ice. Perfect for breeding hockey players. That also leaves 48 states that ignore hockey like it's the homeless guy asking for money at a stop light. I can make fun of homeless people all I want because they don't have internet. Suckers.

Basketball is in our lives because every driveway in the world has a goal. I remember setting the hoop at 8 ft. and putting a little trampoline next to it and trying to dunk like MJ. Bit my tongue a lot. I don't think I've been to a house in a while that had a hockey rink in the backyard. It would take up a shitton of space and it would work for 3 months of the year. Not very cost effective, or affective, whatever. You put a hoop up and it's there forever. Shovel some snow and you're playing in January. You get a glass of juice and you're playing in July. Comfortably at that.

We like football because it incorporates things we Americans like. It has violence, speed, a need for intelligence, white people getting equal playing time, and not a lot of time commitment. One game a week makes it pretty easy to follow. We're taught to like violence in elementary school when, instinctively, we chant "Fight! Fight! Fight!" every time two kids both want the green crayon. Fast people make us happy. We're dumb, get over it. The most important position in football is the quarterback. All the good ones are white. I'm not saying that it's right, but it's true. Hockey comes close with all these characteristics, but still sucks. Football has a sense of nostalgia. Everybody has memories of Thanksgiving games and grandpa passing out on the couch watching the hapless Lions. I don't have memories of playing hockey with cousins and uncles. It's not even possible to play hockey on the grass. Just unpossible. Nobody has those fond memories of going to the hockey games on Friday nights in high school (besides to 2 North Dakotans.)

Hockey doesn't suck just because it's different from enjoyable sports. Poker isn't like those, but people watch it. Hockey sucks because those guys are doing things that we, as normal people, can't do. SKATING! People don't like hockey here because it beings back bad memories. It brings back the memory of stepping onto a local rink for the first time and falling forward and damn near breaking your wrists. Thankfully you were wearing some stupid mittens because you assumed the arena would be either cold (for the ice) or hot because you're doing a supposed sport. You then stand up thinking, "Ok now I've got it!" and falling backwards on your head. After you've concluded you're not concussed, you get to go in a counter-clockwise loop while never letting go of the wall. A little kid who obviously plays hockey (this is the enemy) goes by a hundred times and causes countless accidents. You probably wanted to trip him, but couldn't let go of said wall.

Nobody has aspirations of being a famous hockey player because there's only been one. Ever. Wayne Gretzky, the Canadian. Kids always want to be the next Michael Jordan, Babe Ruth, or Walter Payton. Nobody wants to be Canadian. MJ, the Sultan of Swat, and Sweetness all trump the Great One in aspiration coolness because it's the Great ONE. No other sports legend has been dubbed the "one". The others sports leave room for the next generation to have a star.

To be a hockey fan you've gotta be a damned spelling bee champ. Nikolai Khabibulin is the best goalie in the league. I'll give you a minute to sound it out.... Ya, and there's a bunch like that. The NHL has like 2 Americans. Sidney Crosby, the heir apparent to Gretzky, was born in effing Nova Scotia. Where the hell is Nova Scotia?!?!?! Who are we supposed to cheer for? I refuse to support a communist sport! But seriously hockey people are all bad people I'm sure.

The one good thing about hockey is that fighting is encouraged. Everyone gets really hyped when a fight breaks out, but really they aren't that exciting. Remeber these guys are on skates. They spend the whole fight holding onto each other's sleeves trying not to fall. Finally one guys flails and accidentally hits the other dude and gets a 5 minute penalty. A team loses a player because he didn't want to fall. WTF?

Basically we can conclude that the sports in America that are awesome are the ones played by Americans in everyday settings. The "big 3" aren't going anywhere and I'm very happy about that. Now I'm gonig back to the White Sox game.